Recent Changes

Thursday
May112017

This song sent me down a path on YouTube...

Thursday
May112017

Maybe I am actually making progress? Let's not jump to conclusions yet...

Something that went well today: I wrote some higher quality pieces.
Something that went poorly today: I wasted way too much time on my phone.
Something I will improve on for tomorrow: Using my phone as more of an aid and not a time-wasting device.
Something I am thankful for: That writing is like a muscle that I can build back up.
Something I must get done tomorrow: More writing and poker.

 I got so much writing done today, it was crazy.  While the overall output my not look like a ton, the last time I wrote three things I wanted to publish in one day was so long ago I am not even sure it ever actually happened.  I know the quality of the pieces isn’t up to the standard I need them to be, yet, but just getting back on that horse is a huge thing.  Just get words on the page and eventually the words will start to sound better.

I want to be getting at least 1 thing out a day, but realistically 2 or 3 things would be way better.  I have blogs, reviews and political pieces that I can write each day and so trying to find 2 or 3 things in a day to write about shouldn’t be a big problem.  I just want to try some different things and see what I like writing most.  Reviews are hard for me to write sometimes, because trying not to spoil things is so hard when you want to make a good point.  My latest review was meant to be spoiler free, but I am not sure I toed that line well enough.  Hard to say really.

I was even more impressed with my output today, because I got like 4 or 5 hours of sleep last night.  It wasn’t even good sleep.  I just couldn’t sleep and then a store blew through Kansas that just made it impossible to keep sleeping.  I played on my phone for way to long and then got up and played on my computer for too long.  Eventually I did decide to start writing, but truth be told, most of this writing has happened in 5 hours and some of that was cooking dinner and then eating it.  I would say the actual hours I spent on writing was 3, but perhaps that’s a bit low.  I don’t think it’s outrageous as a guess though.

I’ve noticed I can write a lot more focused if I am sleepy, but I am not sure my writing is the best in that state.  I need to work on just writing well and focused even when I am not in my best mental shape.  I need to learn to work my wandering mind to just write faster or more.  I think something I am going to do in the future is have two or three words documents open so that I can work on two or three stories at the same time.  While this might sound fairly unproductive, I think that it will help get my ideas out in a good way.  I could also decide to just put those ideas in a notebook and save them for later, but just letting flow happen seems like a good thing to do, because I can write 1,500 words in an hour if I want and I don’t want any of my pieces to actually be that long.  It’s not like I don’t have the time to be doing it then.

I had a talk with myself last night, and I realized that unless something changes here in the next couple of weeks I am probably going to be going to work at a call center, and I don’t really ever see myself leaving that field if I go back.  I don’t want to be overly dramatic, but I am at the point in life that I need to either make something happen, or I am going to have to be happy with just getting a paycheck.  Making $15 an hour to answer phones isn’t the worst thing.  I’d rather have a cooler job, but it’s decent money.  I just know if I am willing to accept that fate yet.  I want to believe maybe something better is in front of me, because at some point, you need to stop lying to yourself.

It was weird to have that talk with myself, because it should have struck fear in me, but I wouldn’t say that was he feeling I had.  I have more of a resignation that I was right.  If don’t change that I am doing, then yea, that’s what is going to happen.  I don’t have that thing in my head anymore that says “nah, you will do more than that.”  I shouldn’t have that anymore either, because I’m nearly 28, and if you have even started to go down a career path yet and have no idea what you would want to do anyway, why would something change?  Maybe working in a call center for a few years would be a good thing for me though.  Maybe it would help me realize what is really going.  I’m not sure though.  I don’t want to find out, to be honest.

I’m going to really try to work at some stuff, because I don’t want to end up in a call center, not yet.  We will see if this writing actually becomes anything.  I’m going to force myself to write and publish things every day.  I don’t think that I will make any money off my writing.  I think that my writing will give me a resume to then go get a job with someone else.  That’s kind of the goal.  We will see though.  I just don’t really know at this point.  I feel resigned, but that feels good in some ways.  It’s more realistic.  It’s less dreamy, but gives me a feeling of what I want to avoid.  I guess that at least there is a bottom though if I reach it, it’s not a continuous falling of not knowing where I will land.

I guess I should explain why I think it will be a call center.  I am good at talking.  I can talk pretty easily and naturally to people.  I don’t think I end up in sales though, because I don’t want to really sell anyone on anything and I hate being pushy.  It’s just not what I enjoy doing.  OS I think I end up in a call center answering questions of angry customers.  It’s mind numbing work, but someone must do it.

We’ll see what happens over the next couple of weeks.  I would probably think I have less time to really figure things out, but I am traveling so much in June, that getting a job really isn’t going to be worth it.  Cedar rapids, Chicago and then likely North Dakota are all on the slate.  Maybe if something crops up over the North Dakota weekend I could miss that, but I don’t want to miss those first two trips.  So, no reason to really push things too much yet.  There is also the fact that we are good on money, so needing to push myself into obscurity right now just isn’t something I need to do.

Tuesday
May092017

You look different, is that a new shirt?

Something that went well today: I survived Meatless Monday and No Sugar Added Sunday!
Something that went poorly today: I wasn’t as focused as I needed to be on a few tasks.
Something I will improve on for tomorrow: Not wasting time flipping among the same sites again and again.
Something I am thankful for: Living in our new apartment.
Something I must get done tomorrow: Get some writing done.

Lot’s of changes, as you can clearly see, not only on the site, but also in my life.  I’m going to be making even more changes, but got to start somewhere reasonable first and then will add more things.  The changes to the website are much needed and should have been made a while ago.  I’m going to start writing more as well, because I need to get a portfolio built up. I realized that most of the pieces that I was using were 2-3 years old and I just don’t think that’s what I want to be showing to prospective employers at this point.  I want to be able to have 3 political, economic or entertainment articles that I can pull from the past 2-3 months at any point that I think will help me land a good writing gig.  So, to do that, I need to get my output up a pretty significant amount.

Also, made some pretty big changes to my diet, or at least how I am approaching it.  We started doing Meatless Mondays and No Sugar Added Sundays.  They are pretty much exactly what they sound like.  Sunday isn’t as hard as I thought it might be, but when you have both days back to back, it’s pretty difficult.  I’m going to have to really work to find things to eat for a hearty and balanced dinner on Mondays, because without meat, I am going to have to change what the main course of my dinner has been for about the past 10 years.  It’s only one day a week, but still, it feels like a lot.  I also want to significantly cut down on the red meat that I am eating.  In the end, I would like to be eating red meat 1-2 times per week, but for now I am going to aim for 3 times a week.  This means a significant increase in fish (mostly salmon and Tuna), chicken and pork.  It all comes down to I want to get healthier, but I don’t want to completely change my life.  I know that sounds kind of unreasonable, but I think small baby steps are a much better way of doing it.  Hopefully in a few years I won’t even recognize my eating habits.

We moved just over 2 weeks ago now.  It’s been a huge change, but one of the better changes I have had in my adult life.  I can walk to Target, Hy-Vee and numerous other places.  This is huge, because it finally allows me to feel useful on a daily basis.  I really like this feeling, but it’s not one I have had for a while.  Previously, going to the store or even a gas station was basically impossible.  So, I was trapped to only run errands while Jess was available.  Being able to expand my freedom and be a contributing member of the family has helped me feel better about my place in it.  I think it also removes some of the stress that jess feels, because she knows I can grab something for dinner without her needing to do it after a long shift, or us needing to plan it way ahead of time.

The hope from this is also going to be that it is going to cut down pretty significantly how much we eat out.  It’s become a bit of a problem for us.  We aren’t super tight for money, but cutting down how much we eat out is not only good for our health, but also can help us start to save money.  I think we were eating out a solid 2 times per week, which is anywhere from $60-$100 in a week depending on where we were eating at.  This is completely unreasonable.  So, if we can cut it down to once every 10 days, which is only 3 times a month, then we stand to have an extra $250 or more.  This is of course the stretch goal and will take some time to get there, but you got to have those big dreams.

Money is such a weird thing, because even when you are fine on it, you would like to be even more fine with it.  We did gut our savings to make this move to a nicer apartment in a great location.  It’s going to pay off big time over time, but it’s going to be a little while until we can recover what we had before.  We have a few very specific savings goals in mind right now, but I don’t want to get too far into the specifics, because that just seems like a bit too much to be sharing with everyone right now.  I can say that we did get a nice little amount stashed away from this month and if we can keep doing that every month we are going to be in a good place.

 I’m so happy to actually get something written again, because it had been so long since I have written anything for this blog.  My writing overall has been almost non-existent.  I just haven’t been able to get anything good out.  It feels like every time I try to get something on paper it just sounds like trash and I start over.  I did write one short story a few weeks ago, but I am not sure how good it actually was.  Jess never got around to reading it, and I really didn’t push the issue.  I think that writing some articles and short stories to get back into the groove are going to be key for me.  I’m not going to be able to get into a true good writing groove until a bit down the road, but the more words I pump out and the more things I get out there for people to read is going to help.

All right, I think that’s good for now.  It’s not the best update, but it’s something and coincides nicely with me relaunching the site with a new design.  I kept a lot of the same colors, because I couldn’t make a site without having some green in it, but I decided to keep it a bit more subdued than previously.  Also, dark theme all the things.

Tuesday
May092017

First Ed Sheeran song I have actually liked.

Monday
Mar202017

I'd love to put the pieces back together....

When things are bad, they somehow have a way of compounding themselves even further.  I have a crappy laptop, I know this.  It has a hard time saying connected to the internet and can’t do any kind of heavy lifting.  Normally, this isn’t much of an issue, because I have my desktop and don’t really go that many places.  That’s not true right now though as the internet at our house is out, and Google Fiber hasn’t be able to send anyone out yet.  They said it will be Wednesday before it gets fixed, but I am hoping that I can keep calling enough times to see if they have any open slots that I can get that moved up.  I have no issues being that annoying person to get something I would really like.

The reason I really want internet back is two-fold.  Working in a café is actually kind of hard for me with my current setup.  I can’t get the computer at a good angle so that I can see it easily and type well.  I want the screen higher, but as with most laptops I can’t do this without getting the keyboard at a fairly uncomfortable level.  I wish I could make the screen about 6-10 inches higher while keeping the keyboard where it is at so I can type right now, but can’t do any research.  Reading just hurts my back after a pretty short time.  It’s not fantastic at all.  I want to get a surface or an iPad Pro, but those are both kind of expensive.  They would solve my problems though, so hopefully in time I will be able to get one of them.

The other reason I would really like internet back right now is I spent a lot of time thinking about how I would like to change things and what was important to me.  I started with no assumptions and just laid out all of the good, bad and neutral things in my life and in my mind.  I then put everything in order of me wanting to get rid of them or start doing them.  I was a bit surprised at where some things ranked for me.  A few things that I thought were more important to me just didn’t end up being very high on my list of things I wanted to do.  So they are getting cut.

The internet comes into this though, because the top 2 things that I want to start doing more of I need the internet for.  I want to keep working on poker stuff, but above that, I want to get a portfolio of writing done and then maybe see if I can get hired by someone else.  I’m going to approach it a bit different than just a portfolio though.  I’m going to start a politics/economics site and write 2-3 articles a day on it.  I’m going to see what happens with it.  Either I make a bit of money from it (unlikely) or I have a good portfolio to use when I want to start applying for jobs.  I see it as a win-win situation overall and I would love to get a start on it.  Without internet thigh, that’s pretty much impossible.

When I get my internet back I am also going to change some stuff on my computer so things work better when I don’t have internet.  I didn’t have access to any of my games, because Steam couldn’t connect.  I need to change that so I don’t get left without game in the future, because it’s just a really annoying things to have happen.  I also need to make a change to my Plex settings so that they work better when I don’t have internet.   I have it set so it needs HTTPS for connection, but that’s an issue with you have no internet.  I still got things working anyway, but an easier way of doing it would be nice.  Just someone house keeping stuff to take care of.

Of course, my sleeping has also went to crap.  I’ve been sleeping just kind of whenever, and right now I am working on staying up for 24 hours, because I have a few things I want to do this afternoon and I would really like to enjoy the nice weather.  So if I can stay up until 4 in the afternoon, which is going to likely happen then I will have the 24 hours.  I would like to actually stay up until around 9 or 10 and then try to get a more normal sleeping pattern going on, but I am not going to get too ahead of myself et.  It’s hard to stay awake with no internet sometimes, because if I sit down to read when I am really tried there is little chance I will make it long.  Video games are great for tired activities, but I lack a lot of those right now.

I think that’s pretty good for an update.  My laptop is annoying me enough that I think I am going to get this posted somehow and just head home.  Far to annoyed to keep playing this stupid game with it.

Friday
Feb172017

Things kind of suck right now.

I’ve had some pretty good highs and low the past few days that have all ended in a low.  It’s been pretty disappointing to say the least. For the most part I try to stay positive about being blind, but sometimes life just gets me really down about it, because I don’t the chance to do things that I should be able to do, because of said blindness.  Last week I interviewed for a job being a leasing agent for an apartment complex.  The interview went really well and later that week I had a meeting with the district manager of the same company.  That also went well.

I was still thinking that I wouldn’t get offered the job, because I had no experience and there is a lot of reason they would likely rather go with someone else.  Well, I got surprised and was offered a job with a contract on Monday.  I signed the contract and emailed it back to them on the 14th.  I was exceptionally happy.  I was going to have a good paying job with paid time off and holidays for a few months at the minimum would get to see if I would enjoy that line of work.  Then Wednesday happened.  I got a call asking for my driver’s license number.  It had been on the application, but I didn’t fill it out and the manager didn’t care.  Turns out you did need one, even though it was nowhere in the job description or in the interview.  The reason you need one?  So, you can drive a golf cart, just in the off chance you need to.  I kid you not.

I then explained why I didn’t have one, and explained this this would fall under ADA (American’s with Disabilities Act.)  HR then informed me that it didn’t fall under a reasonable accommodation to just have someone else drive a golf cart, even though the manager said that this happens, very, very little.  So essentially since I couldn’t get a license to drive a golf cart that never actually needs driven.  While this is the most directly way I have not gotten a job from being blind, it stings about the same, because I was actually offered the job and then had it taken away, even though a reasonable accommodation was well within reach.

The rate for unemployment among blind individuals is up over 70%, and it’s not really hard to see why.  While I am wanting to work, finding a job that will actually allow me to work at it is almost impossible.  I’ve had numerous jobs I am more than qualified for not offered to me, because I was blind.  While they can’t say, I am blind, it’s pretty easy to see it was that since everything had been going well until I informed them that I was blind and it wouldn’t affect my job performance.  Of the three jobs, I have had, the managers have told me that they are willing to take a chance on me even though I am blind, because I was too qualified to not.  The third one I didn’t even tell them I was blind.  That’s staggering when you think about it though.  Me being blind nearly trumped being overly qualified for jobs.  Not everyone who is blind has jobs they are overqualified for to apply to, or worse they are not good at interviewing which I can say I am at least decent at.  Of course, blind people do have jobs and some are very successful, but the stories of those who are not nearly as successful are more numerous.  When 70% of a group of capable adults doesn’t have a job, then there isn’t something wrong with that group, there is something wrong with society.

Now we are seriously looking at new apartments and we have even gone on tours of 3 of them now we realize that what I need in an apartment really makes it hard for us to get everything we are looking for.  If I could drive, then I could choose a place that was in the middle of a nice suburb with no problem.  I can’t drive though so I would like to be near a bus route of some kind and for there to be a store within walking distance.  Now walking distance for me is much closer to a mile, not a few blocks really. Finding this though is not nearly as easy as it might seem.  Apartments that are decent that don’t have crappy ratings are either expensive or secluded from the bus routes.  Of course, this is because poor people take the bus and why have poor people be able to get to your apartments if you have no desire to have them in your complex.  So basically, if you are blind you just get lumped in with the poor people and you are just going to have to deal with it.

Just one of the great perks of being blind.  Find it hard to land jobs, make life harder for those around you and don’t get the apartments that you want.  It’s.... I’m not really sure what the correct words actually are.  Everything feels a little hollow when trying to describe it.  I don’t have it as bad as some, there is no doubt about that, but some of those that have it worse don’t care they have it worse.  I still have a roof over my head, I have people that support me and overall my life is good, but my life feels like it doesn’t have the high-end capability that it would if I wasn’t blind.  I feel like there is this thing that will hold me back.  I think for the generations after me things will be easier and eventually it won’t matter near as much, but many of the people that are hiring me grew up in a generation where if you had a disability it was game over.  That’s not reality anymore, but those people aren’t making the important decisions right now, at least not yet.

I think that’s going to be all for tonight.  At least that I am not Trump, I can always hang my hat on that.

Friday
Jan272017

i need to find the building materials for my bridge. 

Thursday
Jan052017

Stumbling out of the blocks.

It has not been a good year so far.  I just haven’t put in the work that I need to.  I’m not going to do a nightly blog tonight, because I want to try to write now and get my mind actually working, and just actually do something.  Blogging is a bit lower on my list of things that I want to be doing with my time, but I have been so disappointing this year in actually going things that any movement forward is going to be a step in the right direction for productivity.

Luckily, I don’t make New year’s Resolutions, so I haven’t failed anything for the year.  I don’t really feel defeated.  I just feel frustrated with myself, because I did so well before going to Burlington for Christmas.  I then got pretty sick right after getting back and haven’t been able to really right the ship after that.  I’ve gotten a few things on the side done to set things up to do well this year, but haven’t actually made movements to doing better this year actually.  So I need to stop planning so much and actually make the time investment of doing well this year.  I’m going to fail goals this week, but that’s fine, as long as I can make the last three days better than the first 4 days of this week.

Most disappointing is that I haven’t exercised or cleaned really since the New year started.  I did so well at these two things at the end of last year that I just wanted to continue them for next year, but I have pretty well disappointed on this front so far.  I’m writing this early enough in the day right now that I can still do it today and at least start my new habits right now instead of putting them off.  If I’m honest, that’s what my mind keeps telling me to do.  It keeps telling me to just put it off for another day or two.  It really says just to wait until I get back from Texas and then really go hard after stuff.  This is a bad mindset to get into, and acknowledging it will allow me to battle against it some.  Waiting to get back from Texas does sound tempting though, much more tempting than it should.

I’ve been having this weird feeling lately that I want to buy something cool.  It doesn’t even have to be expensive, it just has to be cool.  I haven’t found anything that makes me want to buy it, but I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that tells me to try to go find something.  As a result, I have noticed that I have ended up on Amazon just kind of aimlessly searching things for that cool things.  Nothing has come close to sounding good though.  It’s an odd feeling, because it’s quite nebulous. I don’t like feelings like that.  They are so hard to shake unless you find what is causing it.  Of course, it’s not easy to find that though, so you end up just kind of feeling it for a long time. 

We haven’t made much more progress on finding a new house.  There are a couple of neighborhoods I want to go around and see what’s going on with them.  They seem decent, but I really like confirming things a bit more before I really get to invested in an area.  Some place look decent from the numbers, but are just not all they are cracked up to be when you actually go there in person.  If they are decent neighborhoods they are going to be cheaper to live in, so we might be able afford a little bit more than if we lived in one of the really nice ones.  Not having kids is kind of nice, because we don’t have to worry about schools.  Schools would be such a pain to worry about and I would be much more concerned about ever finding a place that would work for what money we had and would give our future kids a good chance at an education.  It’s not something I have to worry about though, so all is good.

I think that’s all I am going to write for right now. It felt good to get something out at least.  I have a few things I should get done now.  Actually do something with my time so I am not writing a very similar post in two weeks when I still have done almost nothing in the new year.

Sunday
Jan012017

It's 2017, let's do this!

This may seem like a ton of goals, and it is in some ways.  I have 25 goals listed here, actually.  However, there are a fair number of them that are 1-time only things or non-daily things.  So, while the sheer number of them might seem high, the actual amount I am doing on a daily basis are far less and a much more attainable and reasonable number.  Some of them are also a bit seasonal, so I won’t be expecting myself to make progress on them during the winter.

I made this list a little bit differently than I do normal goal lists.  Normally, I make a list of habits I would like to develop and then make goals based on those habits that I would like to accomplish.  This time I just started a list of what a good year would look like to me.  What would I consider a good year when I wrote a post on December 31st next year recapping how this year went and what I accomplished.  Once I got done with that I paired it down a bit and rolled some goals into others to make this final list.  It’s been a few weeks’ process as I want to keep coming back to it and really wanted to make sure I was putting on goals that were not just on my mind at the time, but things I would be proud of at the end of the year.

For the purposes of writing this post I put things into groupings based on what kind of goal they were.  I have a few broad categories that I think pretty much everything fits into.  I’m not going to get into my daily goals to accomplish most of these, because that would be tedious, but know that I have these individual checklists to help make sure things run a bit smoother.  Many of the goals I pulled from were influenced by the things I was trying prior to Christmas.  I would like to write a post once a month with how the goals are going, but we will see if that happens.  I might set a reminder for myself, just to see if I stick to it a little bit better. 

One thing I will say about these goals is that I have very few things I am doing 7 days a week, because that’s just not how I feel comfortable working.  I like the variety and doing things a bit differently.  Also, I am going to focus my busiest days on days’ Jess is also working, so that I maximize time I am working when she is working.  Of course, I can’t play poker for 12 hours normally, so I will need to do some work when she is not, but for the most part, I am going to attempt to line up with her working days. 

Let’s look at some way to ambitious goals that will make me feel awesome if I actually accomplish all of them!

 

Poker

6 Poker Trips (Texas, Chicago, Vegas, Minneapolis, Maryland? Vegas again? Florida?)
Being a 200NL Regular
Study 1 hour for every 5 I play.
Have over 1,000 Twitch followers

This is really my make or break year for poker.  If it goes badly and I don’t accomplish these goals then I am just going to give up for the most part.  I won’t stop playing for fun, but I will give up on any serious endeavors.  With that being said, I obviously don’t think that is going to happen, since I made these goals.  I’m going to really put my heart into it, and I have a full year that I can do that without feeling guilty.  I’m going to make the most out of it.

 

Health

Only eating out 1 time per week in a normal week
Being able to run a 5k in under 18 minutes
Being able to do Yoga
Only eating candy 1 time per week
A wardrobe of 10 high quality outfits

I’ve got my work cut out for me on this one.  Running is something I don’t do at all right now, but it’s something I would really like to get good at.  All of these goals should have me looking and feeling a lot better.  I got some paleo cookbooks for Christmas and I really like them.  Paleo is something I can get on board with, because they are simple, easy and tasty recipes that make you feel better through fairly natural ways, as opposed to some other things.  Also, much of the meals are high in protein, which should help with my body composition and how I feel about myself.  It’s not perfect, but it’s a healthier step in the right direction.  Dressing better is on here, because it will make me feel mentally better, and that’s always nice.

 

Personal Development

Having read/listened to 52 books
Learning Algebra II
Being able to do a treflip skateboarding
Brain Development Exercises every day

As is true with most personal development goals, it’s kind of a grab bag of things.  It has to do with skating more, learning math and helping my mind be more agile and feel better.  I’m not going to put restrictions on what kind of books I have to read like I have in the past.  If it’s fiction that’s fine, if it’s non-fiction, that is also good.  I have Audible right now sending me books every month and there are a fair number of non-audio books I also want to read.  I think reaching that goal shouldn’t be hard, but should be fun.

 

Living Space Improvements

Build Entertainment center
Build Coffee Table/End tables
Build Bedframe/Headboard
Living in a different house
Completely redo my office
Cleaning every day

This section is filled with a ton of one-time goal things that I was talking about.  In some ways, this one is the most important, but in others it’s the most superficial of the bunch.  The benefits from it are hard to quantify, but they also feel really important to me, so they are going to get a lot of time devoted to them.  Moving is also going to be a huge undertaking when we finally do it.  I’m not looking forward to it, but it’s going to be a huge burden of of my shoulder when we finally do.  That also makes keeping things clean a whole heck of a lot easier.  If we move into a place that makes building things nearly impossible then some of these building things might take a backseat.

 

Relationship Enhancement

Go to 3 concerts
Have 52 date nights
Having savings of over $5,000

This is simple and should be easy.  It will go a long way to make things in my marriage better than they are.  Things aren’t bad now, but they can always be better.  Also, anyone married that shares finances understands why this is important for relationship goals.

 

Non-Poker Professional Goals

Having published my first book
Over 200 blogs written
Write 52 Portfolio building Articles/Reviews

As I said, this is a make or break year for poker for me.  If things go badly, I am going to need a good backup plan, and while going back to school and doing something for teaching is always an option, I want a fun way to make money during that time and I think that writing is going to be my best way to ensure that happens.  So, as you can see writing is the biggest focus of this section.  I want it to be a mix of all the kinds of writing that I like to do, because I want to be prepared for anything that I am going to do in the future.  If I want to do research for a professor in the future, I can do that.  If I want to try to write for a more noteworthy blog, I can do that.  Whatever it is that I want t move into, I want to be able to do that easy enough.

Saturday
Dec172016

A short blog is better than no blog.

Something that went well today: I played over 4,000 hands and clawed back a bit of my backlog.
Something that went poorly today: I grabbed red beans and rice mix instead of dirty rice mix and it tasted awful.
Something I will improve on for tomorrow: Trying to sleep like a more normal person.
Something I am thankful for: That I don’t have to go outside where it is freezing.
Something I must get done tomorrow: Think of something fun and unique to do on date night.

 Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be kind of bad, not really bad, but KC bad.  I think that this means that if I can think of something fun and unique to do for date night I should.  Places will proly be less busy and we can do more things.  I have a few ideas of what I might want to do, but I’m still thinking about it overall.  I’ve been really wanting to do something different for the past couple of days and has manifested itself in me feeling a bit more down than normal.  While being depressed isn’t abnormal for me, the anxiety that is coming along with this depression is a bit more severe than normal.

I think that it’s a combination of things really causing it.  The winter, especially the beginning, is always really tough on me.  My body just doesn’t want to accept it, so my mind rebels.  There is also the wanting to try and do something different than normal.  There is something else in there as well.  I’m not completely sure what it is, but I can feel it.  I can feel this nagging feeling telling me that something is wrong and that I should be afraid.  I have no idea what I should be afraid of, but there is this anxiety that keeps popping up.

I’m not even sure it’s worth talking about, because I have no idea what is causing it and trying to tell what random feelings you are having with almost no real motivation, or ability to explain the motivation behind them is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.  Sure, I might stumble across the correct answer and everything will make sense, but I think it’s more likely that I just end up writing words, or telling words to someone, and they don’t actually mean anything.  I sometimes wonder why our minds do that to us.  What’s the point in making us unhappy without an explanation we can easily latch onto?

Yes, this is a short blog, but I feel like laying down.  I’m actually tired kind of the time I am supposed to be, so I am not going to push it off and hope my tired stays, because sometimes it does decide to run away.