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Sunday
Sep032017

It's not an interesting post, and it's not anything new, but it's some writing of words.

Well, it’s been sometimes since I have written much.  Life continues to be up and down for me.  All the positive feelings I had at the beginning of the month died and I pretty much resorted back to doing nothing.  I was pretty disappointed in myself.  Then some weird stuff happened, which I will get to, and now I find myself 1 day into being productive again.  I guess overall everything worked out, but I just don’t know how to feel about everything.

So, the weird thing that happened was that around Mid-August, the 18th or something, I got call from H and R Block wanting to set up an interview with me for a job in the IT department.  I had not applied for anything with them, but I suppose that my file was still with them from when I worked there two years ago.  It was a pleasant surprise, so I decided to accept the invitation and had an interview.  I wasn’t very excited about it.  I knew the money would be good, but going back there and doing that stuff again sounded awful.

After the interview, the feeling of dread just increased and worsened with each passing day.  I was basically unable to do anything else as I went back and forth in my mind considering if this was a good opportunity or not.  Thinking about what the money would mean and if it was worth being that unhappy.  It was a constant struggle from one side of my mind to the other.  Both constantly waging war on my and neither winning.

Well, the days come and went from when I was supposed to hear something.  I never got a call back.  I also didn’t have anything updated saying I didn’t get it either.  They have this online portal that has your resume status and stuff.  They created an entry for me to track this job.  It still says under review, but I am thinking that it is unlikely I get it now.  They want the people to start Mid-September that they were brining on.

As I mentioned though, I’m actually going to take this as a good thing.  While I am still not sure if it was a good thing for us to get the job, I know it is a good thing for me mentally to not get the job.  I didn’t want to go back there and I didn’t want to be stuck in a cubicle or 8 hours a day doing menial things.  I must make something out of myself, because I can’t go back there, or anywhere like it.  Coming this close to getting the job has cemented that in my mind.

I took this reality check and made doctors appointments for myself, got everything cleaned up, made a list of goals for this week, did stuff today and overall have tried as hard as I could to not be a waste of life.  There was something about this experience that just made me realize that I have been a waste of life for way to long now.  I’ve failed basically at everything for the last 8 months.  It’s pretty much unacceptable. 

I have also really accepted that I am afraid of success.  This is going to be a much harder thing to work past.  I’m not sure why I am so scared of success, but there is no doubt in my mind that I am.  I love being mediocre and doing what I need to do just to get by.  Working crappy jobs for 2 years to support Jess worked well for me, because I had a simple goal and I did it.  Now that I am left to my own devices, I try hard to not succeed, because I don’t want expectations.

Here’s the rub though, going back to HR Block wouldn’t be continuing this, because it’s not something I have to do to get by.  It would be a purely beneficial thing, yes, but it isn’t needed.  So, if I am going to have to do something that is not needed, I need to really look at what I am doing.  Do I want to force myself into a situation I know is going to be bad?  Do I finally take control of my own life and make something of it?  The answer is obvious, but the path is not.

Realizing I am scared of success at least gives me some place to start from though and lets me try to unpack a way to combat it.  I think figuring out where it is coming from is likely an important step to unlocking my true potential, but that’s going to stir up a lot of things I would rather not think about.  It’s going to force me to realize some pretty tough things about myself.  Realize some pretty start failures through the years for myself.  It’s something I might do in the future, but it’s not something I think I need to do right now.

Right now, I need to just work on working smarter, and better.  Right now, I need to take it one day at a time and work for the goals that I know are important.  Today was a good first step.  It was the best day I have had in weeks.  Tomorrow will be better and will even better for my mental feelings.  Just need to take it one day at a time.

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