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Friday
Aug112017

Lots of words....

I’m above 145 pounds!  I’m so happy about this. I’m still pretty light for my height, but I think I have put on about 10 pounds in the past month, maybe a tiny bit less.  I know that sounds like a lot, and it kind of is, but with the way I have been eating lately, I’m not terribly shocked about that.  I’ve been eaten like 4 or 5 meals a day when I have Insanity, especially if I also lift weights that day.  I would imagine I will plateau at some point fairly soon, but I am going to keep riding this wave as long as I can.

I’ve been eating pretty well lately too, more real meals and stuff and less processed food.  We just went to Wal-Mart today and I go pretty much no processed food.  I got some yogurt, veggies, big bags of chicken, brown rice and bread.  I have this desire to eat really healthy now.  A lot of it is definitely because I am actually gaining weight from this and feel like it’s paying off for sure. 

I’ve never really embraced the eating healthy in the past, because I just really felt like it wasn’t paying off.  I would eat healthier and just feel like I wasn’t gaining weight, I wasn’t happy and I didn’t feel any better about myself.  Something is different right now.  I’m not sure what it is, or if anything is different besides some mental change, but even if it is just mental, I am glad to have the feelings.

I’m not going to become some health food freak, because that’s just not who I am.  I went to an ice cream place last night and had a shake, because it sounded good.  I’d go eat Five Guys right now if it was open.  I’ve had no candy in over a week though, had no fast food in even longer and haven’t really craved either too much.  I’ve also cut down my snacks a ton.  I’m refocusing, but I’m only doing it, because I want to.  I’m not doing it because I have this grandiose idea that I am magically going to become awesome.  I guess in some ways it’s pretty tough to explain.

This week hasn’t been nearly as productive as I wanted it to be.  I feel pretty disappointed in myself, because I feel like I have really let things get away from where they were last week.  I’m just not able to string together good days and then the bad ones seem to grow on one another.  I did my workouts each day though, I read each day and I have made progress in different parts of my life.  I feel like they are kind of small and insignificant though.  Like I haven’t made as much progress as I wanted to.

I haven’t been writing as much as I wanted to this month.  I’ve tried writing some short stories and they are okay, but I haven’t really been saving any.  None of them are worth refining a little bit more.  I’m pretty sure I am trying way too hard to be perfectionist with them, and it’s kind of unreasonable, but I keep being disappointed with my efforts.

That’s part of the reason I decided I didn’t really want to take writing seriously and start a blog like I said I was going to try.   I started churning out a lot of different articles and really writing. A lot.  I felt like the content wasn’t terrible, but it didn’t make me happy.  Writing for me is such a personal thing, it’s an outlet that I can use to express myself in a way that I can’t seem to in words.  When I was writing for money or trying to make that a thing, I felt more boxed in with my emotions and felt like I had even less ability to really explore who I was as a person.

Writing is something I need in my life to get though my emotions or I will just explode.  My fiction writing has a lot to do with how I am feeling at the time.  While the characters are not me, the ideas they express are taken from some sort of tangency to what I am feeling or thinking.  This doesn’t mean that the characters in my book don’t do things that I always like, but I steer them in a certain direction.  I do have one short story with a character I hate.  Writing it was therapeutic though.

I won’t be a writer though for a newspaper or magazine anytime.  I don’t think I would even do a different kind of blog than what I do now in reality.  While I feel like I could provide good writing to them and I feel like I have some useful insights, I do not think that I could do it and be happy with myself.  I feel like I would be chasing that release I have right now, never being able to catch it.  It’s not a feeling I want.  If I get some other kind of outlet, then maybe things would change, but I have been creative in about 0 other ways during my life.  So not really expecting that any time soon.

On a different note, I have noticed that life has ground me down to a point that I lack the excitedness that I used to.  I don’t attack things like I used to.  It’s not something that has been sudden either.  Over the years and years, it has slowly eroded until the point I am at now.  There are some good things about this, but also some bad things.  I am very even keel for the most part.  I know my writing doesn’t seem like it to some, but even my writing is much more balanced.  My emotions just don’t come to the surface much.

I take things in stride and just kind of react in a less extreme way when things happen.  This allows me to make good decisions that are more thorough.  I think it’s a more adult way to approach life and is certainly a more Zen way of doing things.  I also realize though that it creates less overall enjoyment in my life.  It creates a lot less sadness though too, because I have a cap on both the good and bad things.

When I was in late high school and the beginning few years of college people used to come to me for advice a lot.  This is when I had a lot more friends.  They liked hearing from me, because I had this no-nonsense attitude when giving advice.  I told them like I saw it and didn’t let my emotions in the situation sway me.  People thought I had great insight into things, but reality is I could just look at things from the outside really easily and assess things from there. 

The issue I am having now though is that is how I am approaching my life.  I feel like I am just looking at my life from the outside.  I’m not as engaged with myself.  I am making much better decisions, but they are not having the same impact in the moment towards my emotions.  This of course causes problems when I am around people, because it’s hard to convince someone you are having a good time when your level happiness is much lower than normal people.  When a bad thing happens though I kind of shrug it off pretty easily though too.

I have zero idea what I would like to be like though.  Like, how can I get that excited behavior back while still being an adult?  I’m not completely sure.  Also, being less of an adult is maybe not the best thing?  I’m not completely sure, because I feel like I am a shell of my former self in some ways.  I used to come up with fun ideas and implement them.  The Pac-Man video, potato cannon and many other things. I wouldn’t come up with that stuff anymore.  I would let my inner-adult get the better of me and make the “smarter” choice.  It would be smarter too, there is no doubt about that.

I think in some ways though; the more fun result needs to be what you chose from time to time.  Being more even keel has a place, but being able to turn it off and on, that’s something you need to also have, because it’s pretty useful for enjoying life.  I would like to tell myself it’s a lack of money or something.  It’s not though, because when I was younger, I didn’t have a lot of money.  It’s a lack of imagination now.

I’m not sure I will do anything with what I just wrote.  I’m not sure if I can do anything with it.  It’s important to write it out though and be able to look at it.  It’s important to realize it and evaluate it.  I’m just not sure how to properly fix it.

Well, this ended up being pretty long.  I need to go sleep for a while so I can get stuff done tomorrow.

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