Blog: The Giant White Board of My Head
Something that went well today: I’ve really got back into writing like I should be.
Something that went poorly today: I’m not doing well with my other goals, especially working out and watching poker videos.
Something I will improve on for tomorrow: Get my goals done despite watching Harry Potter movies all day.
Something I am thankful for: my renewed focus and drive.
Something I must get done tomorrow: Exercise in the morning.
Tomorrow we are going to see the 4th, 5th and 6th Harry Potter movies in IMAX. I’m really excited about this, because it wasn’t all that expensive and they are in 2D, so I don’t have to be bummed out about crappy 3D experience. I have never seen any of the movies in IMAX either, so getting the chance to is really something awesome. I’m not completely sure why they are all coming to IMAX, but I saw it about a week ago and as able to have a day off for Jess line up with the good movies being there and was able to secure tickets. While the second part of the 7th book is still my favorite, these are my next favorites. I’m mostly looking forward to the 4th movie, which will actually be the first one we get to see.
The goals haven’t been going nearly as well as what I wanted. I think that’s pretty obvious by the fact that this is my first blog since Saturday, so I missed one day for sure. I really wanted to be doing better, but while I kind of got back on the wagon, I am still not full comfortable on it. I’m getting better, but better sometimes isn’t enough to really making the last change that you want to see. Today is going to be 3 of 5 goals completed though, so while still failing in most schools, it’s better than the 1 out of 5 I had yesterday. Baby steps.
I’ve gotten back to writing like I wanted to be doing. It’s a bit rusty, but I actually haven’t lost as much as I thought I might from the long hiatus. I was expecting for the first few writing sessions to be really rough. I got lucky and they were just a bit more difficult than normal, but nothing getting into the groove couldn’t fix. I’m still getting a bit too distracted while writing though, especially if I am struggling a little early on. I need to buckle down a bit more when I start writing and really focus on the task at hand.
I’ve been watching a ton of blogs lately and it has given me some ideas of things I want to start changing in my life. Some things I have already starting moving on, and others I still have to work towards. It’s kind of hard to explain, but the ones I watch are all about positivity and being thankful for what you have. Granted they are having a great time and have the money to have this great time, but even at the beginning when money was much more limited they still managed to stay really positive. It’s good to see that, because it helps me feel a bit more grounded.
I’m not completely sure what some of these changes will look like, but I have a general idea of what I want the end result to be. Sometimes getting to that end goal though is not the easiest thing that I can do. One thing I know I want an end goal to be is to have more fun with life. The difficult thing is I don’t know what that actually looks like. I don’t know how to make sure I am having more fun with life, because I am not sure what more fun would represent or how that would manifest itself in a repeatable and consistent way.
That’s really one of the biggest issues. You can watch these people doing fun thing all you want on camera, but what is fun for them and what is fun for you is not going to be the same thing many times. Even more than that though, is that you can’t just copy someone’s life and pretend like you are living your own happy life. You can watch something they do and take inspiration from it, I’m not denying that, but you need to make sure you balance taking inspiration from people and just straight out copying them. The good thing is that none of the people I watch are doing what I want to be doing for a career, so that’s going to at least provide some difference.
I had written before that I wanted to start blogging, and this is something I really want to do even more now. Not only because I think it could be interesting, but being able to remember the good things in life seems really nice. These people will have these videos until they die of all the great things they have done. Memories are great, but they fade over time. Being able to look back at what you have done is just a unique thing that not many really take advantage of. Everyone looks at people recoding vlogs like they are weird, but sometimes, just having a good time and taking people along with you is something that should be complimented. I don’t know, just some random thoughts I have had on the thing.
So yea, not sure what I am really going to do to have more fun, but I think that it’s something I am really going to put more thought into over the next couple of weeks and decide how I want that to look. I’ve already started making some changes to how I am doing things lately and I think that has made a difference. I’ve given into my impulses a bit more. I just need to refine which impulses I listen to, because the eating junk food impulse has been pretty strong and not sure what one really has a lot of benefit. Of course, the impulse to make a random paper wall in our kitchen door way was a much better idea (check my Instagram/Twitter if you don't know what I am talking about.) So take the good with that bad.
That’s all for now guys. Have a good day tomorrow and Happy Grinding.
Something that went well today: I actually played poker.
Something that went poorly today: I was still only productive a fraction of the total hours that I wanted to be.
Something I will improve on for tomorrow: being more productive during my waking hours.
Something I am thankful for: That I had the ability to pull myself out of my funk and actually do something, even though I wanted to not doing anything again.
Something I must get done tomorrow: Write another blog, just like this one.
I’ve completely fallen off the productivity train. Like I have fallen so far off of it I don’t think I can see where I lost it. I need to build a new productivity train and go from there. I was doing so well in September and really felt good about how things were going, and then a trip to Burlington happened and after that it has been completely crap. I knew it would be a bit hard to transition back, but I wasn’t expecting to completely fall on my face this hard.
One thing that I got out of, obviously, was writing blogs. I think this made things even worse, because while I was frustrated with not getting anything done I just internalized everything and didn’t voice my frustrations. I cut myself off from those I had been talking to for about a week and just didn’t do anything., I wallowed in my own self-pity and I was fine with doing that. Not exactly what I should be doing, but I was fine with doing it anyway.
Then on like Monday or Tuesday I just got so frustrated with myself I decided I needed to at least do something. It wasn’t much, but I started studying poker again. I wanted to play, but I hadn’t played since the 29th, so I felt like playing without studying would be a terrible idea. Then tonight I forced myself to play for the first time. It went well, very well actually. It was nice.
I also started talking to those people who had really forced me to get back on the horse back in August. I stopped ignoring everything and really tried to get back in the swing of things. I’m still very far from where I was. I’ve failed my 30-day challenges for about a week now, I haven’t written much of anything, I played poker for the first time tonight, I am writing a blog for the first time in forever and I am only feeling slightly better about things. Still lots of room to improve and get better.
So why do I think I fall so hard? I’m not 100% sure about this. I’ve contemplated a few different things, but nothing feels quite what I am looking for in terms of why I failed so badly. Everything I look at feels more like a symptom of my problem. I’m not writing pretty much anything, I’m not working out, I’m not just taking walks to clear my mind. All those feel like symptoms to my problem, because if I was doing everything like I should be, then I would just do those things without really thinking about it.
I think that right now if going to be a fantastic example of why worrying about why I failed is actually not that important and the only thing that will really matter is that I need to work and get better. Stressing over about why something happened can be useful, but sometimes you need to just ignore that and get back on the horse. If this happens again, then I should start looking at reasons. I will have another test in a few weeks when we go to Las Vegas. If I come back from there and still fail when I come back, then perhaps I need to discover why I don’t do well when returning from trips.
I am going to be adding a few 30-day challenges to my list though, and actually changing everything to 60-day challenges. It might sound like I am really trying to bite off more than I can chew, but I need to fortify myself, and the only way to do that is by adjusting my expectations. So here are my new 60-day challenges, starting tomorrow in earnest.
- Writing a blog every day
- Meditating for 10 minutes every day
- Workout out every day
- Watching 50 minutes of poker video every day
- Brushing teeth 2x per day
- Writing 1,000 words or editing 50 minutes every day
So those are my new and old goals kind of redone. All of those things are things that I get done each day I will be satisfied with where I am at. I think that if I do those things, then I am making a lot of strides in the correct direction. If I do those things, I feel like I will be compelled to have a good day, because if I get all those things done, why would I want to waste the rest of my day? It would literally make no sense to get those things done and then not have a great day otherwise.
Many of those things are stuff I was trying to do anyway, so all I am really doing is really just putting them in writing so people can ask me about them later and then I can tell them that I am either crushing it, or really need to buckle down and do things. We will see which one it ends up being more often at this point.
I also need to do a few other things in my life. I need to stop napping in the middle of the day, at least for 2-3 hours, because that’s just not productive to a good schedule. I need to not waste so much time on my fake baseball team, I need to not go to the same websites time and time again and I need to stop wasting so much time on my phone. I still need to have fun, but I need to cut down all those activities from anywhere like 50% to 95% of what I am doing right now. Some of those things are much worse than others. I need to be honest with myself and really make the progress I know I am capable of making with things.
So this will be the first of at least 60 daily blogs. I might give myself a reprieve while I am in Vegas, but I might also decide that I need to write while I am there too, because honestly, why get out of the bait of doing things even if I am in a different place. I have about three weeks to decide on that stuff, so I will give it some more thought here in a while, but it is not something that I am going to concern myself with too much right now, because it’s just not worth all the extra effort it is going to take.
Something that went well today: I played a lot of poker and stayed focused even when things weren’t going the best.
Something that went poorly today: I didn’t not manage my session time very well and played much longer in one session than I should have.
Something I will improve on for tomorrow: Focusing better when I first wake up to ensure I use my time more wisely.
Something I am thankful for: That I have been better about my challenges lately.
Something I must get done tomorrow: I must play with the bunny a bit more tomorrow.
I put in my first real day of being an adult today, or at least it kind of felt like that. I ended up with about 8 total hours of poker played today, which is what I was hoping to go for, but I wasn’t really happy with how I broke up those sessions. I had one session of 2 hours and 57 minutes, which is about what I would like for it to be at. Perhaps a little bit shorter is better, but it’s about right. The other session though was not good in that I went 4 hours and 51 minutes. That’s far too long and normally results in me playing less than my A game. I would much prefer that length of session got broke up into two pieces.
I can’t complain too much as actually getting that much playing in is really nice for me. It’s like the person who accomplishes all their goals for the day complaining that they did them too fast. Sure, the execution could be a bit better, but just getting them done in the first place is so overwhelmingly the better news that it shouldn’t really matter all that much. I suppose in some ways it’s just me looking at how I can do better for the next time, which will be tomorrow. I just need to be more careful and make sure that I keep an eye on the time a little bit better.
The results from the day were a little all over the place. I was up in my main game, but really struggled in my secondary game. This might sound good, but I need to be doing well at both realistically, because my main game doesn’t run quite as late as I would like. Also, my main game was down for much of the day but I mounted a very solid rebuild towards the end of the night. I think this is why I am not getting on myself more for going too long, because getting that rebuild felt really nice, even if it really doesn’t mean all that much in the overall grand scheme of things.
Writing has also been going a lot better lately. I took a few days off from working on my main story to just do some random stuff, because I wasn’t really feeling what I was working on. I started knocking it out of the park again though. I’m finally starting to bring stuff together and finally starting to really make the story complete. I wrote this one differently than I had written anything else I had tried. I just wrote random scenes from the book that popped into my head. I didn’t write it in chronological order. It felt a bit weird at times to write, but I think it ended up best, because I worked on what was fresh and exciting in my mind.
I still have a decent amount to go until I get a full draft done, but I notice scenes are finally starting to come together and make a little bit more sense in my head. I feel better about things as a whole story. One things I need to work on is making chapters and then heading for each of those chapters. It would make dealing with everything a little bit easier than the way I currently have it. I never have any idea what is good to have in one chapter and what isn’t. I get it’s supposed to break the story apart, but I also don’t want to make it feel choppy. I am going to have to play with it a fair amount to get it how I would like it.
I’ve been doing a lot better in my goals overall, especially with working out. I had been doing fairly well at writing and stuff already, but I hadn’t consistently worked out over a long period, but I have really crushed that lately and worked out 4 days in a row now. I know that sounds pretty small, but getting that kind of momentum built up and really doing well feels good. It’s a lot better than I had been doing and I am glad that I am able to make progress on things. This next week shouldn’t be as sad of a weekly report on where my hours went.
I think that’s about it for now. I’m fairly tired and jess should be home rather soon. Then it’s off to bed and then off to another day for me. Got to keep the good train rolling.
So where did my time go this week? The easy answer to this is “not where it should have,” but who tunes into this blog for the short and easy answer. I only filled about 31% of my total hours I wanted to spend on things actually doing things. Now, that’s really disappointing to me, because I feel like I need to really be spending 70 hours a week on stuff that makes me better and more likely to become self-employed otherwise I am going to end up working a job I don’t like. That’s just kind of what I have decided after a lot of thought and figuring.
I think the major areas that I need to focus on are: poker, poker study, exercise, reading, writing/editing and blogging. The reading isn’t really reading fiction, but more self-help or self-improvement books. The rest are pretty self-explanatory. Not I won’t want to spend equal time on all of those. For instance, any more than 7 hours a week on exercise I feel is a waste of time. The return on investment from that time is just not really there for me. Any less than 30 hours a week on poker or 15 hours a week on writing I feel is not leveraging my best chances of making money into something usable.
So when I look at this past week and what I spent my time in I am pretty depressed, because not only did I not hit any of the goals I really had, but I massively missed on most of them and even the ones I didn’t massively miss on I missed pretty hard. I have only one way to go from here, which isn’t the happiest way of looking at things, but it pretty realistic. I will do reviews like this one every week of what I do and we will track to see if things are getting any better.
It’s important to note that I don’t track hours spend on projects that don’t fall into one of these things, but might still be pretty useful overall. For instance, I don’t track home improvement projects, but in reality they are pretty useful. For instance, I spent 2 hours updating some of the hardware in the bathroom recently. That was a useful 2 hours, but it wouldn’t show up on my spreadsheet.
The reason for this is that those hours should really be replacing my fun hours and not my hours where I need to be useful and actually do things. I’m not sure if this is the right approach and I will be looking at it a bit more here in the coming weeks, but for now, I feel pretty comfortable saying that it what I should/shouldn’t be doing.
Below is a screenshot of my tracked hours.
Something that went well today: Read a really awesome book.
Something that went poorly today: I read the really awesome book and didn’t complete pretty much anything that I was supposed to.
Something I will improve on for tomorrow: Working towards my future.
Something I am thankful for: That I finally did something.
Something I must get done tomorrow: Writing, poker study and poker playing.
Long time no write. It’s been a week, that’s for sure. I’ve had pretty much all the emotions. Things haven’t been going particularly well, but I guess that’s to be expected as nothing just turns too good after being bad for so long. That lesson is really hard for me to grasp sometimes, because when things start going well for a while you fall into this false sense of security that maybe you are really turning this corner to have a better life, and then when you fall back a bit it feels like everything is lost.
I think that’s the hardest part of everything, is that what happened should have set me back, but I should have got over it fairly quickly. I just didn’t though and I let it ruin basically 3 days for me. I don’t really want to get into what happened that much, but I’m taking steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Regardless, I shouldn’t’ have let it ruin three days of what I have been working for. I shouldn’t have let it dictate my life that much, because even when bad things happen you need to keep moving forward and conquer things.
Tonight I read a really good book though and that helped me get into a slightly better mindset. I was already pretty much back into the mindset that I needed, but reading the 9th Kate Daniels book really put me fully back into the mood that I needed to. Hopefully I will actually be able to really sleep for the first time in a while and then things will be good tomorrow. I’ve really been struggling with the sleep thing lately. It’s just that I don’t feel that tired, and then when I try to sleep it just doesn’t work. Doesn’t matter if I am trying to sleep at night, during the day in the afternoon it just eludes me.
I took a four-hour nap yesterday and I felt pretty good afterwards and have managed to stay up for nearly 12 hours since that. While I am glad I can do that, I can also realize that I am not fully rested and can’t quite reach the edges of my mind like I would like. It shows in my writing as I haven’t been able to make much progress in my book. It shows when I play poker as I make more mistakes than I should and it shows in my ability to really think about things critically. I am just a little bit slower than I should be. I’m hoping that a full night of sleep will actually get me on the right path eventually, but I am not sure when that will happen.
I’ve gotten out of the habit of blogging and I am guessing that might have something to do it. I don’t want to get to overtop about things, because I don’t like throwing around false prescriptions, but I haven’t blogged in nearly a week and I haven’t been sleeping well that entire week. I guess if I sleep well tonight then maybe I will actually have to look a little further into it.
I have a lot of plans for things that I want to write tomorrow and the next day. I want to write a review of Kate Daniels 9th book, I want to get a poker and health blog journal up and I want to get a post-up about how I spent my week. I’ve decided that I need to spend 70 hours a week doing things to improve myself. I don’t want to get too much into here, because I have a post to write about it, but actually writing down how many hours I was productive last week was a real slap in the face. I failed pretty hard last week and it for sure shows me where I need to be improving.
Jess and I needed a vacation, so I booked us a flight and hotel to Vegas the first weekend of November. She randomly got that weekend off from work, and it allows us to fly out there for a few days. We haven’t been on a vacation with the exception of the one day we spent in Omaha since we went to Ohio with my family two years ago and we haven’t been anywhere just ourselves since our honeymoon over three years ago. I think that we really need some time away from everything and just get a bit of freedom from everything. So we are going to go to Vegas, so we don’t have to rent a car, worry about food or have to have any responsibilities.
It’s not the 100% best use of money, but sometimes you need to look past just eh short game of money use and do things that are going to be helpful to yourself and your relationship long term. We are spending less than $700 combined for hotel and airfare, so it is realistically a pretty small amount for us to spare and we have both worked far too hard the past couple months to not spend our money in a way that we deem good. We will have the money we spend back in our savings by next week actually and will pretty much be going to Vegas without spending any of our savings. We essentially just aren’t going to be amassing more. Sometimes, holding steady in savings, but vastly improving your mental health is best for long term success.
Something I would like to do over the next week and a half is completely disconnect from the outside world with a few exceptions. The issue is that I am find it kind of hard to do that. I feel like I want to be available, but I also need to really focus on stuff for myself. It’s really tough to try to turn off all the outside influences on you for that long, because some of them are actually very useful and add a lot to what you are doing. Many are also semi-useful normally if for nothing more than a distraction. I find that I am clinging to them though to not get work done. It’s the depression creeping in again, I know that. SO finding a way to completely absolve myself of it would be best, but I am just not sure how.
It’s something I will put more thought into, but for now, I am making way too many mistakes typing, because I feel kind of tired. It’s not the world’s longest blog, but I have had much shorter. Glad to get something out.