I dream a lot, and I dream big.  This is my white board for everything from poker to religion, and just about everything else sprinkled in between.  Comment, share, and enjoy yourself.

 

Recent Changes
Recent Changes

Blog: The Giant White Board of My Head

Friday
Feb172017

Things kind of suck right now.

I’ve had some pretty good highs and low the past few days that have all ended in a low.  It’s been pretty disappointing to say the least. For the most part I try to stay positive about being blind, but sometimes life just gets me really down about it, because I don’t the chance to do things that I should be able to do, because of said blindness.  Last week I interviewed for a job being a leasing agent for an apartment complex.  The interview went really well and later that week I had a meeting with the district manager of the same company.  That also went well.

I was still thinking that I wouldn’t get offered the job, because I had no experience and there is a lot of reason they would likely rather go with someone else.  Well, I got surprised and was offered a job with a contract on Monday.  I signed the contract and emailed it back to them on the 14th.  I was exceptionally happy.  I was going to have a good paying job with paid time off and holidays for a few months at the minimum would get to see if I would enjoy that line of work.  Then Wednesday happened.  I got a call asking for my driver’s license number.  It had been on the application, but I didn’t fill it out and the manager didn’t care.  Turns out you did need one, even though it was nowhere in the job description or in the interview.  The reason you need one?  So, you can drive a golf cart, just in the off chance you need to.  I kid you not.

I then explained why I didn’t have one, and explained this this would fall under ADA (American’s with Disabilities Act.)  HR then informed me that it didn’t fall under a reasonable accommodation to just have someone else drive a golf cart, even though the manager said that this happens, very, very little.  So essentially since I couldn’t get a license to drive a golf cart that never actually needs driven.  While this is the most directly way I have not gotten a job from being blind, it stings about the same, because I was actually offered the job and then had it taken away, even though a reasonable accommodation was well within reach.

The rate for unemployment among blind individuals is up over 70%, and it’s not really hard to see why.  While I am wanting to work, finding a job that will actually allow me to work at it is almost impossible.  I’ve had numerous jobs I am more than qualified for not offered to me, because I was blind.  While they can’t say, I am blind, it’s pretty easy to see it was that since everything had been going well until I informed them that I was blind and it wouldn’t affect my job performance.  Of the three jobs, I have had, the managers have told me that they are willing to take a chance on me even though I am blind, because I was too qualified to not.  The third one I didn’t even tell them I was blind.  That’s staggering when you think about it though.  Me being blind nearly trumped being overly qualified for jobs.  Not everyone who is blind has jobs they are overqualified for to apply to, or worse they are not good at interviewing which I can say I am at least decent at.  Of course, blind people do have jobs and some are very successful, but the stories of those who are not nearly as successful are more numerous.  When 70% of a group of capable adults doesn’t have a job, then there isn’t something wrong with that group, there is something wrong with society.

Now we are seriously looking at new apartments and we have even gone on tours of 3 of them now we realize that what I need in an apartment really makes it hard for us to get everything we are looking for.  If I could drive, then I could choose a place that was in the middle of a nice suburb with no problem.  I can’t drive though so I would like to be near a bus route of some kind and for there to be a store within walking distance.  Now walking distance for me is much closer to a mile, not a few blocks really. Finding this though is not nearly as easy as it might seem.  Apartments that are decent that don’t have crappy ratings are either expensive or secluded from the bus routes.  Of course, this is because poor people take the bus and why have poor people be able to get to your apartments if you have no desire to have them in your complex.  So basically, if you are blind you just get lumped in with the poor people and you are just going to have to deal with it.

Just one of the great perks of being blind.  Find it hard to land jobs, make life harder for those around you and don’t get the apartments that you want.  It’s.... I’m not really sure what the correct words actually are.  Everything feels a little hollow when trying to describe it.  I don’t have it as bad as some, there is no doubt about that, but some of those that have it worse don’t care they have it worse.  I still have a roof over my head, I have people that support me and overall my life is good, but my life feels like it doesn’t have the high-end capability that it would if I wasn’t blind.  I feel like there is this thing that will hold me back.  I think for the generations after me things will be easier and eventually it won’t matter near as much, but many of the people that are hiring me grew up in a generation where if you had a disability it was game over.  That’s not reality anymore, but those people aren’t making the important decisions right now, at least not yet.

I think that’s going to be all for tonight.  At least that I am not Trump, I can always hang my hat on that.

Friday
Jan272017

i need to find the building materials for my bridge. 

Thursday
Jan052017

Stumbling out of the blocks.

It has not been a good year so far.  I just haven’t put in the work that I need to.  I’m not going to do a nightly blog tonight, because I want to try to write now and get my mind actually working, and just actually do something.  Blogging is a bit lower on my list of things that I want to be doing with my time, but I have been so disappointing this year in actually going things that any movement forward is going to be a step in the right direction for productivity.

Luckily, I don’t make New year’s Resolutions, so I haven’t failed anything for the year.  I don’t really feel defeated.  I just feel frustrated with myself, because I did so well before going to Burlington for Christmas.  I then got pretty sick right after getting back and haven’t been able to really right the ship after that.  I’ve gotten a few things on the side done to set things up to do well this year, but haven’t actually made movements to doing better this year actually.  So I need to stop planning so much and actually make the time investment of doing well this year.  I’m going to fail goals this week, but that’s fine, as long as I can make the last three days better than the first 4 days of this week.

Most disappointing is that I haven’t exercised or cleaned really since the New year started.  I did so well at these two things at the end of last year that I just wanted to continue them for next year, but I have pretty well disappointed on this front so far.  I’m writing this early enough in the day right now that I can still do it today and at least start my new habits right now instead of putting them off.  If I’m honest, that’s what my mind keeps telling me to do.  It keeps telling me to just put it off for another day or two.  It really says just to wait until I get back from Texas and then really go hard after stuff.  This is a bad mindset to get into, and acknowledging it will allow me to battle against it some.  Waiting to get back from Texas does sound tempting though, much more tempting than it should.

I’ve been having this weird feeling lately that I want to buy something cool.  It doesn’t even have to be expensive, it just has to be cool.  I haven’t found anything that makes me want to buy it, but I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that tells me to try to go find something.  As a result, I have noticed that I have ended up on Amazon just kind of aimlessly searching things for that cool things.  Nothing has come close to sounding good though.  It’s an odd feeling, because it’s quite nebulous. I don’t like feelings like that.  They are so hard to shake unless you find what is causing it.  Of course, it’s not easy to find that though, so you end up just kind of feeling it for a long time. 

We haven’t made much more progress on finding a new house.  There are a couple of neighborhoods I want to go around and see what’s going on with them.  They seem decent, but I really like confirming things a bit more before I really get to invested in an area.  Some place look decent from the numbers, but are just not all they are cracked up to be when you actually go there in person.  If they are decent neighborhoods they are going to be cheaper to live in, so we might be able afford a little bit more than if we lived in one of the really nice ones.  Not having kids is kind of nice, because we don’t have to worry about schools.  Schools would be such a pain to worry about and I would be much more concerned about ever finding a place that would work for what money we had and would give our future kids a good chance at an education.  It’s not something I have to worry about though, so all is good.

I think that’s all I am going to write for right now. It felt good to get something out at least.  I have a few things I should get done now.  Actually do something with my time so I am not writing a very similar post in two weeks when I still have done almost nothing in the new year.

Sunday
Jan012017

It's 2017, let's do this!

This may seem like a ton of goals, and it is in some ways.  I have 25 goals listed here, actually.  However, there are a fair number of them that are 1-time only things or non-daily things.  So, while the sheer number of them might seem high, the actual amount I am doing on a daily basis are far less and a much more attainable and reasonable number.  Some of them are also a bit seasonal, so I won’t be expecting myself to make progress on them during the winter.

I made this list a little bit differently than I do normal goal lists.  Normally, I make a list of habits I would like to develop and then make goals based on those habits that I would like to accomplish.  This time I just started a list of what a good year would look like to me.  What would I consider a good year when I wrote a post on December 31st next year recapping how this year went and what I accomplished.  Once I got done with that I paired it down a bit and rolled some goals into others to make this final list.  It’s been a few weeks’ process as I want to keep coming back to it and really wanted to make sure I was putting on goals that were not just on my mind at the time, but things I would be proud of at the end of the year.

For the purposes of writing this post I put things into groupings based on what kind of goal they were.  I have a few broad categories that I think pretty much everything fits into.  I’m not going to get into my daily goals to accomplish most of these, because that would be tedious, but know that I have these individual checklists to help make sure things run a bit smoother.  Many of the goals I pulled from were influenced by the things I was trying prior to Christmas.  I would like to write a post once a month with how the goals are going, but we will see if that happens.  I might set a reminder for myself, just to see if I stick to it a little bit better. 

One thing I will say about these goals is that I have very few things I am doing 7 days a week, because that’s just not how I feel comfortable working.  I like the variety and doing things a bit differently.  Also, I am going to focus my busiest days on days’ Jess is also working, so that I maximize time I am working when she is working.  Of course, I can’t play poker for 12 hours normally, so I will need to do some work when she is not, but for the most part, I am going to attempt to line up with her working days. 

Let’s look at some way to ambitious goals that will make me feel awesome if I actually accomplish all of them!

 

Poker

6 Poker Trips (Texas, Chicago, Vegas, Minneapolis, Maryland? Vegas again? Florida?)
Being a 200NL Regular
Study 1 hour for every 5 I play.
Have over 1,000 Twitch followers

This is really my make or break year for poker.  If it goes badly and I don’t accomplish these goals then I am just going to give up for the most part.  I won’t stop playing for fun, but I will give up on any serious endeavors.  With that being said, I obviously don’t think that is going to happen, since I made these goals.  I’m going to really put my heart into it, and I have a full year that I can do that without feeling guilty.  I’m going to make the most out of it.

 

Health

Only eating out 1 time per week in a normal week
Being able to run a 5k in under 18 minutes
Being able to do Yoga
Only eating candy 1 time per week
A wardrobe of 10 high quality outfits

I’ve got my work cut out for me on this one.  Running is something I don’t do at all right now, but it’s something I would really like to get good at.  All of these goals should have me looking and feeling a lot better.  I got some paleo cookbooks for Christmas and I really like them.  Paleo is something I can get on board with, because they are simple, easy and tasty recipes that make you feel better through fairly natural ways, as opposed to some other things.  Also, much of the meals are high in protein, which should help with my body composition and how I feel about myself.  It’s not perfect, but it’s a healthier step in the right direction.  Dressing better is on here, because it will make me feel mentally better, and that’s always nice.

 

Personal Development

Having read/listened to 52 books
Learning Algebra II
Being able to do a treflip skateboarding
Brain Development Exercises every day

As is true with most personal development goals, it’s kind of a grab bag of things.  It has to do with skating more, learning math and helping my mind be more agile and feel better.  I’m not going to put restrictions on what kind of books I have to read like I have in the past.  If it’s fiction that’s fine, if it’s non-fiction, that is also good.  I have Audible right now sending me books every month and there are a fair number of non-audio books I also want to read.  I think reaching that goal shouldn’t be hard, but should be fun.

 

Living Space Improvements

Build Entertainment center
Build Coffee Table/End tables
Build Bedframe/Headboard
Living in a different house
Completely redo my office
Cleaning every day

This section is filled with a ton of one-time goal things that I was talking about.  In some ways, this one is the most important, but in others it’s the most superficial of the bunch.  The benefits from it are hard to quantify, but they also feel really important to me, so they are going to get a lot of time devoted to them.  Moving is also going to be a huge undertaking when we finally do it.  I’m not looking forward to it, but it’s going to be a huge burden of of my shoulder when we finally do.  That also makes keeping things clean a whole heck of a lot easier.  If we move into a place that makes building things nearly impossible then some of these building things might take a backseat.

 

Relationship Enhancement

Go to 3 concerts
Have 52 date nights
Having savings of over $5,000

This is simple and should be easy.  It will go a long way to make things in my marriage better than they are.  Things aren’t bad now, but they can always be better.  Also, anyone married that shares finances understands why this is important for relationship goals.

 

Non-Poker Professional Goals

Having published my first book
Over 200 blogs written
Write 52 Portfolio building Articles/Reviews

As I said, this is a make or break year for poker for me.  If things go badly, I am going to need a good backup plan, and while going back to school and doing something for teaching is always an option, I want a fun way to make money during that time and I think that writing is going to be my best way to ensure that happens.  So, as you can see writing is the biggest focus of this section.  I want it to be a mix of all the kinds of writing that I like to do, because I want to be prepared for anything that I am going to do in the future.  If I want to do research for a professor in the future, I can do that.  If I want to try to write for a more noteworthy blog, I can do that.  Whatever it is that I want t move into, I want to be able to do that easy enough.

Saturday
Dec172016

A short blog is better than no blog.

Something that went well today: I played over 4,000 hands and clawed back a bit of my backlog.
Something that went poorly today: I grabbed red beans and rice mix instead of dirty rice mix and it tasted awful.
Something I will improve on for tomorrow: Trying to sleep like a more normal person.
Something I am thankful for: That I don’t have to go outside where it is freezing.
Something I must get done tomorrow: Think of something fun and unique to do on date night.

 Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be kind of bad, not really bad, but KC bad.  I think that this means that if I can think of something fun and unique to do for date night I should.  Places will proly be less busy and we can do more things.  I have a few ideas of what I might want to do, but I’m still thinking about it overall.  I’ve been really wanting to do something different for the past couple of days and has manifested itself in me feeling a bit more down than normal.  While being depressed isn’t abnormal for me, the anxiety that is coming along with this depression is a bit more severe than normal.

I think that it’s a combination of things really causing it.  The winter, especially the beginning, is always really tough on me.  My body just doesn’t want to accept it, so my mind rebels.  There is also the wanting to try and do something different than normal.  There is something else in there as well.  I’m not completely sure what it is, but I can feel it.  I can feel this nagging feeling telling me that something is wrong and that I should be afraid.  I have no idea what I should be afraid of, but there is this anxiety that keeps popping up.

I’m not even sure it’s worth talking about, because I have no idea what is causing it and trying to tell what random feelings you are having with almost no real motivation, or ability to explain the motivation behind them is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.  Sure, I might stumble across the correct answer and everything will make sense, but I think it’s more likely that I just end up writing words, or telling words to someone, and they don’t actually mean anything.  I sometimes wonder why our minds do that to us.  What’s the point in making us unhappy without an explanation we can easily latch onto?

Yes, this is a short blog, but I feel like laying down.  I’m actually tired kind of the time I am supposed to be, so I am not going to push it off and hope my tired stays, because sometimes it does decide to run away.

Wednesday
Dec142016

I binged all 75 episodes of this over the past week.

Anyone who wants a better idea of what is going on in my head sometimes, listen to this podcast.  CGP Grey is someone i relate to a lot.  We have some different ideas, but there are a lot of things i agree with him on and it's really interesting.  

Wednesday
Dec142016

It's really been going well.

Something that went well today: I played a lot of hands of poker.
Something that went poorly today: I played a lot of hands of poker badly.
Something I will improve on for tomorrow:  Going to make sure I follow my charts for starting hands play.  I had gotten way to far away from this and was making terrible decisions.
Something I am thankful for: I had a winning day despite playing awful.
Something I must get done tomorrow: 4,000 hands of poker to stay above pace for my bet.

 In most activities, the question that everyone always wants answered is “when did you have that ah-ha moment?”  I can say I have never had one of those moments in any of the things I have really worked at.  I’ve never had it in debate, I’ve never had it in poker and I’ve never had it in writing.  However, today I had what was closest to that when trying to figure out why I kept failing and getting in bad spots.  I thought I had known what I was doing and then I looked over some of the charts I follow, or was supposed to follow and saw I was playing terribly.  That’s putting it nicely.  All of a sudden, I could see why all my losing was happening, or at least a lot of it was happening.  I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing and as a result I was playing very, very poorly.

I had sunk into a lot of these bad habits playing lower levels.  I was good enough to play at these lower levels and not do what I was supposed to be doing, because the players at this levels were just that bad.  I could make these massive mistakes and still easily win.  Now that I am playing better players these massive mistakes I was continuing started to really hamper me and the better players were just destroying me.  The moment I looked at what I was doing and what I was supposed to be doing, it all just seemed to click.  I wasn’t getting unlucky, I was just playing bad.  I got myself in spots where I would get “unlucky,” because I was just playing bad.  Despite saying all this, I still had a winning day today and I have no idea how I managed to pull that feat off.  It makes me very excited for the future though, I can tell you that.

Yesterday was not a good goal day.  I woke up late, played poker, but not enough and overall just didn’t get things done.  Today was so much better.  I think I am only going to fail one goal today, or perhaps none.  While still getting over 4,000 hands in today (almost 4,500 actually) I couldn’t be happier.  I’ve had to really stay focused and I don’t think that this kind of schedule is workable long term, it’s good that I can keep it going for a bit though.  If I can keep this kind of speed going for the next 7 or 8 days while only really taking a half day to have a date night with Jess, then I am going to be really happy with where I am at.  It’s going to be tough, but I like my chances.

I have been thinking about my goals for next year and what I want my schedule to look like overall. I have some really radical ideas about things I want to try or do to have my schedule fit in a lot better with what I am doing and what I want to accomplish.  I think that I am going to vastly change how I have been doing things in lieu of something that is more focused on certain tasks every day.  I have been thinking about some different things and want to get them put on paper and just see how they look.  I won’t be trying any of this stuff out until after I get back from Christmas. But I would love to have some things to look back on when I go to Texas in January.  That is going to be an important trip, because I want to make sure I am hitting on all cylinders when I get back from it.

I’m glad that all my talking of goals, routines and schedules is actually meaning something for once.  In the past I would talk about all these plans I had and then never follow through on them and just constantly keep failing and disappointing.  The words would always be so empty and pointless.  I hated this about myself and no matter how hard I tried I kept falling into the trap.  I have fully broken out of this now though, or at least it appears that way.  I’ve hit 87+% on my goals for the past two weeks and I think that I can keep that going.  I’ve only had 1 day below 70% goal completion and any days that I really struggled I followed that up with a 90+% performance to right the ship.  It’s like nothing I have ever done, or at least not done in a very long time.  While the results are still slow to come in, I feel a lot of positive movement on things and really think I am making a huge difference in myself.

I think that’s going to be all for now.  I’m going to get this posted and then hopefully get to bed.  It’s already past 5.  I really need to get back on my normal schedule.

Monday
Dec122016

Another week that was successful. 

Something that went well today: I did a good job with writing and poker study today.
Something that went poorly today: I fell off the candy/sugar train hard today.
Something I will improve on for tomorrow: I will make sure that I do a lot better with my food intake.
Something I am thankful for: That I can order cookies from Insomnia Cookies.
Something I must get done tomorrow: Play at least 4,000 hands of poker tomorrow.

 Today was not an exciting day at all.  I played a little bit of poker, studied some poker, did some writing, did some reading, did some cleaning.  Basically, just had a pretty normal day.  I did fall off the wagon in terms of actually eating healthy.  That crashed and burned a terrible death.  I’m not really shocked, but I wish I could have kept it going a little bit longer.  The major issue I ran into though was thinking/wondering how important it really is.  How important is it really that I am not eating candy?  How bad is it for me if I have candy once every 4 or 5 days?  I’m not really sure, to be honest.

That’s what I am struggling with most when it comes to my goals and my thinking.  There are things I can see that they are smart to do, but then I have to wonder if it’s really all the big of a deal.  Exercising is clearly a good idea.  There is no doubt on that one.  Is eating veggies important though if I get the nutrients from another source and feel good right now?  I’m not so sure they are.  In the past I have tried to eat salads a few times, because everyone keeps saying how good they are.  I’ve yet to be able to find one that I find acceptable.  I’ve yet to really be satisfied with any combination that I have come up with.  So, then my question becomes if it is really worth it or not.  Should I keep trying to force myself into eating a certain way if I hate it so much and the health benefits are questionable at best?  I don’t know my answer for sure.

I made a bet with two people about playing a certain number of hands by Christmas Eve.  I have until 11:59pm to play 40,000 hands of poker.  That’s a pretty tall order as I think it will likely take me around 8 hours a day for 10 days to get up to that amount.  While that’s not some break neck pace, it is a pretty large amount considering everything I have going on right now with the holidays and other responsibilities.  Since I am going to be doing this, it is likely I will have to slack off a little bit on some of my other things.  I’m really pushing for this though, because I want to really figure out if me playing poker is a good use of my time.  The more volume I get in and the sooner that I do it, the better I will know.  I’ve been winning a fair amount lately, but can I make this something that I make livable wage at?  Maybe by March I could actually know, but I have to really push myself to that extreme.

The good thing about doing this right now is that the cold has set in so solidly right now that I have very little desire to go outside and my walking goal has taken a backseat, because if it’s not at least 32 degrees outside I give myself a pass for the day.  I think that this goal is going to have to get cut for now, because it’s just not realistic for me to be skipping 4 or 5 days a week, because it is so cold. I will still go for walks sometimes, but it’s just going to be if I really need to get out, or if it is warm enough.  Once spring comes up in a few months I will add this goal back to my list, but for now, I am going to have to likely retire it.

I think that is it for now.  I accomplished 87% of my goals for the past week and couldn’t be happier.  Even with my big hands push next week I am going to shoot for over 80% compliance on the goals I have.  I’m not sure it’s going to be completely doable, but I think that I can at least make a good effort at it.  We will see how things go though.

Saturday
Dec102016

One of the more interesting thinkers of our generation.


I'm serious about him being an interesting thinker of our generation.  Goerge Carlin was immensley popular for previous generations with his thoughts and his truths.  I think that Louis C.K. is that same level of person, but says things in a much different way that speaks to our generation better.  Many times we ignore what comedians say, because much of it is rather silly, but sometimes you need to actually listen to someone and not just dismiss them out of hand.  Aziz Ansari has some stuff like this as well.  That once you get past them being a comedian they say really interesting and thought provoking stuff.  While this isn't as thought proviking, it is interesting and motivational.  I will post some of this other quotes in the future that are a bit more along the lines of thought provoking.

Saturday
Dec102016

I'm sure i have posted this, but listening to this lately.