Recent Changes

Wednesday
Sep062017

Music!

Wednesday
Sep062017

The first step is complete, now the hard part starts.

Well, I finally decided what I am going to do with my life.  It was kind of a long road coming, actually.  I had it narrowed down, but was waiting for that last little push to tell me exactly what I needed to do.  I’m going to go back to school and become a teacher, most likely in English, because I know I can do that.  I’m not 100% sure when I will go back, but I am kind of hoping to do it within the next 12 to 18 months.  A lot depends on me securing some kind of financing to do so. 

FASFA isn’t an option for me, so I am going to have to get a job to make tuition payments while I am going to school OR going to have to save up enough beforehand.  One of those is much more realistic than the other.  The other issue is I need to decide what school I will be going to.  University of Missouri Kansas City is an option, but it’s not a great school.  University of Kansas is also an option, but that becomes pretty difficult not living in Lawrence.  We could move to Lawrence, but then Jess has to commute 45 minutes for work, and that’s a pain for her.

There is also that she wants to go back to school, so maybe moving to where she wants to go to graduate school eventually would be a smart thing to do.  There is a lot of things that still need to be decided.  It’s very early in the planning stages, but I am using this reset button I was gifted to the maximum that I can.

The next steps are going to be figuring out some of this stuff, and hopefully we can figure out a bit more about that over the next couple of weeks as Jess and I have time to talk about it.  I also need to decide what I think would be best for me.  The good thing about the options is that all of them are options and we can make the best decision for us, and not the only one that is available.  It’s nice to have those options.

I also worked on what my goals for next week are going to be, and I am going to make them simpler. I got a bit too far out on what I wanted to do.  I knew I should try to avoid that, but I did it anyway.  I actually deleted a few podcasts, took chrome back off my phone and unsubscribed from Audible again.  I’m just spending way too much time on things that don’t matter.  It’s not going to get me where I need to be, and will only hurt me long term.

I think one thing I got addicted to was trying to improve my process, but I wasn’t actually doing anything with all that improvement.  I was improving this theoretical thing that I could implement, but that really doesn’t do me any good.  Theories don’t actually get you results.  They are fine to tweak things once you have something going, but trying to build something all these fancy theories is just going to cause you to lose site of the forest in the trees.  That’s what I did.  I knew better, and I still did it.

I’m redoing my music library right now, and it could not make me happier.  I’m taking only what I listen to the most and moving it over to Spotify and then just going to burn the old thing down.  My music collection just got so big and I was having it just to say I had a lot of songs.  I wasn’t really enjoying it.  So, I am going to move the most important pieces and enjoy that.  I’m discovering some new music along the way too.  It’s been really refreshing, and I am glad I finally decided to do it.  It’s taken some time, and a bit of pain, but it’s nice.  I feel like I need to hold a funeral for my iTunes.  It’s been with me for a long time, but time to burn it down!!!!

I feel freer and light right now. I feel like I am getting rid of a lot of burdens that I have felt for a while now.  I’m just trying to make everything in my life feel good and more completely.  I know which direction my future is going to go, but I also feel like I know more about what I want as a person and what I need to do to be who I want to be in the future.  We will see.  The easy part is done, the hard part starts now.

 

Sunday
Sep032017

It's not an interesting post, and it's not anything new, but it's some writing of words.

Well, it’s been sometimes since I have written much.  Life continues to be up and down for me.  All the positive feelings I had at the beginning of the month died and I pretty much resorted back to doing nothing.  I was pretty disappointed in myself.  Then some weird stuff happened, which I will get to, and now I find myself 1 day into being productive again.  I guess overall everything worked out, but I just don’t know how to feel about everything.

So, the weird thing that happened was that around Mid-August, the 18th or something, I got call from H and R Block wanting to set up an interview with me for a job in the IT department.  I had not applied for anything with them, but I suppose that my file was still with them from when I worked there two years ago.  It was a pleasant surprise, so I decided to accept the invitation and had an interview.  I wasn’t very excited about it.  I knew the money would be good, but going back there and doing that stuff again sounded awful.

After the interview, the feeling of dread just increased and worsened with each passing day.  I was basically unable to do anything else as I went back and forth in my mind considering if this was a good opportunity or not.  Thinking about what the money would mean and if it was worth being that unhappy.  It was a constant struggle from one side of my mind to the other.  Both constantly waging war on my and neither winning.

Well, the days come and went from when I was supposed to hear something.  I never got a call back.  I also didn’t have anything updated saying I didn’t get it either.  They have this online portal that has your resume status and stuff.  They created an entry for me to track this job.  It still says under review, but I am thinking that it is unlikely I get it now.  They want the people to start Mid-September that they were brining on.

As I mentioned though, I’m actually going to take this as a good thing.  While I am still not sure if it was a good thing for us to get the job, I know it is a good thing for me mentally to not get the job.  I didn’t want to go back there and I didn’t want to be stuck in a cubicle or 8 hours a day doing menial things.  I must make something out of myself, because I can’t go back there, or anywhere like it.  Coming this close to getting the job has cemented that in my mind.

I took this reality check and made doctors appointments for myself, got everything cleaned up, made a list of goals for this week, did stuff today and overall have tried as hard as I could to not be a waste of life.  There was something about this experience that just made me realize that I have been a waste of life for way to long now.  I’ve failed basically at everything for the last 8 months.  It’s pretty much unacceptable. 

I have also really accepted that I am afraid of success.  This is going to be a much harder thing to work past.  I’m not sure why I am so scared of success, but there is no doubt in my mind that I am.  I love being mediocre and doing what I need to do just to get by.  Working crappy jobs for 2 years to support Jess worked well for me, because I had a simple goal and I did it.  Now that I am left to my own devices, I try hard to not succeed, because I don’t want expectations.

Here’s the rub though, going back to HR Block wouldn’t be continuing this, because it’s not something I have to do to get by.  It would be a purely beneficial thing, yes, but it isn’t needed.  So, if I am going to have to do something that is not needed, I need to really look at what I am doing.  Do I want to force myself into a situation I know is going to be bad?  Do I finally take control of my own life and make something of it?  The answer is obvious, but the path is not.

Realizing I am scared of success at least gives me some place to start from though and lets me try to unpack a way to combat it.  I think figuring out where it is coming from is likely an important step to unlocking my true potential, but that’s going to stir up a lot of things I would rather not think about.  It’s going to force me to realize some pretty tough things about myself.  Realize some pretty start failures through the years for myself.  It’s something I might do in the future, but it’s not something I think I need to do right now.

Right now, I need to just work on working smarter, and better.  Right now, I need to take it one day at a time and work for the goals that I know are important.  Today was a good first step.  It was the best day I have had in weeks.  Tomorrow will be better and will even better for my mental feelings.  Just need to take it one day at a time.

Sunday
Aug202017

A bit of Sunday motivation

Sunday
Aug132017

Old School Music

Sunday
Aug132017

Keep On Keeping On.

My sleep schedule is so bad right now.  I woke up at like 3:30pm yesterday. But I didn’t actually get out of bed until 4:30. I woke up and just didn’t feel like doing anything.  I slept really well though.  I’ve been sleeping a lot better, and it seems to correlate with sleeping during the morning and into the afternoon.  I don’t know why I am sleeping better during those times. Because normally people sleep better at night, but I can’t deny what I have noticed in myself.  Falling asleep at 11pm is just such atoll task for me, even if I had been up for a long time.  And then once I fall asleep I wake up way too often.

My goals for the month are doing pretty well, well, at least the ones that I have made some effort on.  Some goals I have pretty much accepted there is no way I will accomplish.  Running just hasn’t happened at all.  I don’t think it’s going to happen either.  I’ve played a decent amount of hands though., been working out consistently, read 2 books and have saved money like I wanted.  If I can keep this line up, I am likely to get near 60%-70% goal completion done, with a much higher percentage of goals I really tried on.

I am going to write a thing on one of the books I recently read.  It’s not going to be a completely positive review, so that’s a bit disappointing.  I haven’t really read much fiction this month, as both books I have completed are non-fiction.  I want to get more fiction in and I have one book I have started, but I just haven’t had the desire to complete it like I did the non-fiction books.  I think that I am going to make more of an effort on that though here in the coming week.

One of the reasons I can make more of an effort on this, is because I have deleted my internet browser off my phone.  This isn’t the first time I have done this, but I like the results already.  I missed my goal of less than 7 hours on my phone last week.  The main culprit for this was the internet browner.  I just spent way too long looking at really stupid things.  After reading an interview with Aziz Ansari about how he did the same thing, it motivated me enough to give it another try.

Ansari actually went a step further and got rid of a lot of his social media stuff and pretty much gave up the internet.  It’s an interesting move for someone like him, because he makes his money off being known and getting in people’s minds.  I deleted my Facebook, but I am going to keep my Twitter and Instagram.  I need to figure out better ways to manage my Twitter usage though, as I find myself wasting too much time on their randomly, same with Reddit.  I think I am going to have to take a pretty aggressive stance towards spending my free time.  Not as fun, but useful.

My weight was back down today, but I am still eating a lot of food and working out, so it’s likely just random fluctuations.  I dropped 4 pounds, which might not sound like a lot, but is actually kind of a bit number, when you consider that is like 3% of my total body weight.  I think it’s really interesting how the body can just shed that much body weight in the course of 24 hours.  I’m not sure if I was just retaining a lot of water, or my body has seen an increase in metabolism.  It’s really pretty hard to tell.  I’ll be interested to keep an eye on it and see how my body reacts to different things as time moves on.

The insanity workouts are still really hard.  I thought might be getting used to them a bit more, and I am sure that my strength and conditioning as increased greatly since I began them, but they still kill me.  I have another two weeks on the beginner stuff and then a week of maintenance and then comes the hard stuff.  I have a lot of room to improve if I want any chance of not dying during the hard stuff.  Right now, I think I would just fall over in exhaustion from the sound of them.

I’ve also been lifting weight pretty consistently.  Today wasn’t the best day, as I had to add an extra insanity video.  While it was just ab work that I added, I could tell my body was just too tired to deal with it properly.  Since I did wake up so late, I didn’t have the normal time to rest between Insanity and weights that I normally do, and this also could have been a reason I struggled today.  I normally like to have about 6 or more hours between the two things, but today was maybe an hour, 2 at the most.

I think that is going to be it for now.  Just kind of keeping on keeping on.  Nothing wrong with that though, as I need to get way better at consistency anyway.  Tomorrow is going to be a fairly chill day, as I have no Insanity or weights to do.  Means likely a bit longer walk than normal, but not going to push my body at all really. I need that day to just relax and catchup up.

Friday
Aug112017

Lots of words....

I’m above 145 pounds!  I’m so happy about this. I’m still pretty light for my height, but I think I have put on about 10 pounds in the past month, maybe a tiny bit less.  I know that sounds like a lot, and it kind of is, but with the way I have been eating lately, I’m not terribly shocked about that.  I’ve been eaten like 4 or 5 meals a day when I have Insanity, especially if I also lift weights that day.  I would imagine I will plateau at some point fairly soon, but I am going to keep riding this wave as long as I can.

I’ve been eating pretty well lately too, more real meals and stuff and less processed food.  We just went to Wal-Mart today and I go pretty much no processed food.  I got some yogurt, veggies, big bags of chicken, brown rice and bread.  I have this desire to eat really healthy now.  A lot of it is definitely because I am actually gaining weight from this and feel like it’s paying off for sure. 

I’ve never really embraced the eating healthy in the past, because I just really felt like it wasn’t paying off.  I would eat healthier and just feel like I wasn’t gaining weight, I wasn’t happy and I didn’t feel any better about myself.  Something is different right now.  I’m not sure what it is, or if anything is different besides some mental change, but even if it is just mental, I am glad to have the feelings.

I’m not going to become some health food freak, because that’s just not who I am.  I went to an ice cream place last night and had a shake, because it sounded good.  I’d go eat Five Guys right now if it was open.  I’ve had no candy in over a week though, had no fast food in even longer and haven’t really craved either too much.  I’ve also cut down my snacks a ton.  I’m refocusing, but I’m only doing it, because I want to.  I’m not doing it because I have this grandiose idea that I am magically going to become awesome.  I guess in some ways it’s pretty tough to explain.

This week hasn’t been nearly as productive as I wanted it to be.  I feel pretty disappointed in myself, because I feel like I have really let things get away from where they were last week.  I’m just not able to string together good days and then the bad ones seem to grow on one another.  I did my workouts each day though, I read each day and I have made progress in different parts of my life.  I feel like they are kind of small and insignificant though.  Like I haven’t made as much progress as I wanted to.

I haven’t been writing as much as I wanted to this month.  I’ve tried writing some short stories and they are okay, but I haven’t really been saving any.  None of them are worth refining a little bit more.  I’m pretty sure I am trying way too hard to be perfectionist with them, and it’s kind of unreasonable, but I keep being disappointed with my efforts.

That’s part of the reason I decided I didn’t really want to take writing seriously and start a blog like I said I was going to try.   I started churning out a lot of different articles and really writing. A lot.  I felt like the content wasn’t terrible, but it didn’t make me happy.  Writing for me is such a personal thing, it’s an outlet that I can use to express myself in a way that I can’t seem to in words.  When I was writing for money or trying to make that a thing, I felt more boxed in with my emotions and felt like I had even less ability to really explore who I was as a person.

Writing is something I need in my life to get though my emotions or I will just explode.  My fiction writing has a lot to do with how I am feeling at the time.  While the characters are not me, the ideas they express are taken from some sort of tangency to what I am feeling or thinking.  This doesn’t mean that the characters in my book don’t do things that I always like, but I steer them in a certain direction.  I do have one short story with a character I hate.  Writing it was therapeutic though.

I won’t be a writer though for a newspaper or magazine anytime.  I don’t think I would even do a different kind of blog than what I do now in reality.  While I feel like I could provide good writing to them and I feel like I have some useful insights, I do not think that I could do it and be happy with myself.  I feel like I would be chasing that release I have right now, never being able to catch it.  It’s not a feeling I want.  If I get some other kind of outlet, then maybe things would change, but I have been creative in about 0 other ways during my life.  So not really expecting that any time soon.

On a different note, I have noticed that life has ground me down to a point that I lack the excitedness that I used to.  I don’t attack things like I used to.  It’s not something that has been sudden either.  Over the years and years, it has slowly eroded until the point I am at now.  There are some good things about this, but also some bad things.  I am very even keel for the most part.  I know my writing doesn’t seem like it to some, but even my writing is much more balanced.  My emotions just don’t come to the surface much.

I take things in stride and just kind of react in a less extreme way when things happen.  This allows me to make good decisions that are more thorough.  I think it’s a more adult way to approach life and is certainly a more Zen way of doing things.  I also realize though that it creates less overall enjoyment in my life.  It creates a lot less sadness though too, because I have a cap on both the good and bad things.

When I was in late high school and the beginning few years of college people used to come to me for advice a lot.  This is when I had a lot more friends.  They liked hearing from me, because I had this no-nonsense attitude when giving advice.  I told them like I saw it and didn’t let my emotions in the situation sway me.  People thought I had great insight into things, but reality is I could just look at things from the outside really easily and assess things from there. 

The issue I am having now though is that is how I am approaching my life.  I feel like I am just looking at my life from the outside.  I’m not as engaged with myself.  I am making much better decisions, but they are not having the same impact in the moment towards my emotions.  This of course causes problems when I am around people, because it’s hard to convince someone you are having a good time when your level happiness is much lower than normal people.  When a bad thing happens though I kind of shrug it off pretty easily though too.

I have zero idea what I would like to be like though.  Like, how can I get that excited behavior back while still being an adult?  I’m not completely sure.  Also, being less of an adult is maybe not the best thing?  I’m not completely sure, because I feel like I am a shell of my former self in some ways.  I used to come up with fun ideas and implement them.  The Pac-Man video, potato cannon and many other things. I wouldn’t come up with that stuff anymore.  I would let my inner-adult get the better of me and make the “smarter” choice.  It would be smarter too, there is no doubt about that.

I think in some ways though; the more fun result needs to be what you chose from time to time.  Being more even keel has a place, but being able to turn it off and on, that’s something you need to also have, because it’s pretty useful for enjoying life.  I would like to tell myself it’s a lack of money or something.  It’s not though, because when I was younger, I didn’t have a lot of money.  It’s a lack of imagination now.

I’m not sure I will do anything with what I just wrote.  I’m not sure if I can do anything with it.  It’s important to write it out though and be able to look at it.  It’s important to realize it and evaluate it.  I’m just not sure how to properly fix it.

Well, this ended up being pretty long.  I need to go sleep for a while so I can get stuff done tomorrow.

Saturday
Aug052017

This feels rather '80's punk. It's not perfect replication, but gives you that feeling for sure.

Saturday
Aug052017

It's been a good few days.

So, it’s been a while since I have done an actual blog.  I posted a goal list a few days ago and I have to say that I have been doing super well with them thus far.  I have been working really hard, harder than I have in the past year over the past week.  That’s not to say that I haven’t had some hiccups along the way, but overall, I can’t complain about the progress that I have been able to manage.  It feels great.

I started Insanity again. I had completely fallen off the boat earlier in July and knew that doing this was going to have to be something I really worked at if I wanted to feel good about myself.  I’ve learned a lot about my body doing this again and really seen how things affect me more so than ever.  When I did Insanity the first time, I did it in the middle of the day or a bit later.  So, if I ate badly or didn’t drink enough the day before I had more than enough time to recoup.  That’s not true now.  If I do something bad the day before, I notice it, because I am doing the workout when I first wake up.

I’m not doing the running I had planned on, and I don’t think that I am going to.  I’m just not enthused to run at all.  I’m enthused to lift weights and to do Insanity.  Sometimes I feel enthused to jump on the bike.  I don’t feel enthused to run though.  I don’t feel like it’s a good path to happiness for me.  So instead of trying to force it, I’m just going to drop it and not feel bad about it.  I’m still getting a ton of workouts in and still really helping my health, so it’s not really such a big deal.  I do need to get on the bike more though, because I know the slow burning workouts are better for my mental health and I just haven’t been doing those really.

Poker has also been going really well.  I’ve put in about 30 hours this week and it’s not even over yet.  That’s pretty awesome for me.  I’m likely going to fall short of this bet I have with Brett, but I am going to do my best to get as close as I can to it.  I’m 13,000 hands into the 90,000 I need to play to have the bet be a wash, if Brett gets in his 30,000 hands.  I have until August 27th, so it’s a pretty tall order.  Even if I fall short, but put in a solid 40 hours a week doing it, I am not going to be too sad.  I would realistically like to up that to 50 hours a week, but I am taking the steps small at this point.

I’ve really narrowed my focuses down a lot.  I have said in the past I needed to do that, but I kept such a wide array of interests that I just didn’t do a good job or really focusing on only 1 or 2 things.  I kept creating excuses to try different things and not focus.  Now, my life is very simple and I really enjoy it.  I’m meditating, reading, writing, playing poker and working out each day.  I’m really not doing anything more than that.  The results of each of those things has far exceeded my expectations even in this little bit of time, and I think a large part of that is because I have little else to distract me.  Even within that group of things I am doing, some of those are more important than others.

My better mindset has also been really good for my marriage.  It’s only been a bit over a week since I have really been focusing on things, but I think that I have been a much better person to be around.  I am not an easy person to get along with sometimes, and when I was as depressed as I was, I am really not a good person to be around.  Sure, things could go belly up at any point and this progress I have made could disappear, but at least I am giving it a try and really putting my heart into it.

I’m still remembering to have fun, and I have a huge date day planned on Sunday with Jess.  I’m hoping to get a ton of work done tomorrow so that I can do the date day without feeling any kind of regret.  It’s not that it would be bad to spend time with her, but I feel like if I haven’t put in the work to deserve the time off, then I will be thinking about what I could be doing instead of spending time with Jess.  I still may even get a few things done that night, but I am not planning on it, that’s for sure.  If it happens, then it happens.

Her and I have begun playing Pokémon GO again.  We might be some of the only people still playing it, but it’s been nice to at least get out a little bit and get some walking in during the night.  It’s been wonderful outside, so the 15-20 minutes we go for a walk, it’s been awesome.  It’s also nice to have something to play that is so simple and doesn’t really make me think or be competitive in any way.  I’ve been playing a lot of League of Legends, but that doesn’t have the same relaxing qualities as Pokémon GO.  Part of our date day is going to be going down to the Plaza before we catch a movie so we can get some Pokémon, because are cool like that.

I think that’s going to be it for now.  This ended up being a bit longer than I thought it was going to be.  I have a few other things I would like to get done before I turn in for the night.  Hopefully will have another big day tomorrow and will keep this positive momentum going!

Friday
Jul282017

I feel you little man, i feel you.