Recent Changes

Tuesday
Mar132018

Claimed success from the jaws of failure! 

Last night was not a good night at work. I was really off and just couldn’t focus on anything.  I screwed up a couple of pretty noticeable things and maybe overstepped some bounds as well.  I just wasn’t feeling it and made stupid mistakes.  I’m not sure why it went so badly, but it just seemed like everything that could go wrong did.  Needless to say, I was not happy about it at all.

Today at home didn’t start out any better.  I work up way later than I wanted to and then didn’t roll out of bed until even later.  I was feeling pretty down about myself and my motivation as a whole, because it just felt like I was going to have another wasted day.  I think it was going to be a wasted day too.  Then I decided that I didn’t want that and decided to make myself a list of things to do and then only do those things.

I made a list of 14 things that I had to get done today.  From meal prep, to shower, to laundry and cleaning.  The list was pretty intense and not something that I think is sustainable on a daily basis type of thing.  I worked really hard for 8ish hours and I feel pretty drained.  I got everything on the list done though and not just kind of done, I did a really good job on all the things, at least I think it was a job well done.

Some of the biggest things I got done that I am happy about is that I did some quality of life improvement things.  I rearranged my bedside table and moved my phone charger from there to Jess’ dresser.  So now I can still hear it if I need to, but I won’t be able to just roll over and play on it instead of getting out of bed.  Also, now I only have a front lighted Kindle sitting on there that I can play with.  This means that I don’t need to worry about blue light nearly as much anymore.  It was something I kept telling myself to do, but never did.

Another quality of life improvement I made was clearing off part of my desk so that I can actually use it to write on now.  Previously I had everything pretty spread out so that I couldn’t get any physical writing done on the desk.  While I won’t do very much of that, it’s nice to have a spot for my daily planner that I want to start using.  Also, it puts a few things in better focus, so I see them more consistently.  I also got chargers setup for all my stuff, so that I don’t have an excuse to charge things by my bed.  Everything is focused on trying to make sure specific areas are doing specific things.

The rest of the stuff isn’t as interesting to talk about but were things that needed to get done.  The house is cleaner now then when jess left, so I think that is a huge win.  I also will have lunches for the next few days, which is good, because I work a pretty decent amount over the next few days. I made pork for these lunches instead of chicken.  We will see how good pork is about warming up in the microwave or not.  I also didn’t pack candy, but raisins.  So really working hard to make sure I eat better and do better.

Tomorrow I want to start a morning routine, but I am not really sure if I am going to get that accomplished.  It’s a lot later than I want it to be and if I want to get everything done before work, I would have to wake up at like 5:30.  I’m just not sure that’s really feasible at this point.  6 hours of sleep isn’t exactly bad, but I would prefer more if I can get it.  The benefits from my routine though might away the lack of sleep.  I’m going to think about it and then see what I feel like.  I still have a few things to do to wrap up before I go to sleep anyway.

All right, I think that’s going to be all for now.  I’m glad that I could turn the day around from what was going to be another fail into something meaningful.  Maybe this is a bit of a turning point, or maybe it’s just another false start.  Time will tell, but at least I am giving myself a fighting chance.

Sunday
Mar112018

Back to a bit more normal post...

I find myself alone for this weekend, so what do I decide to do with my time?  Video games, lots and lots of video games.  In the past 36 hours, I think I have played no less than 25 hours of video games.  I was up until 8am this morning playing actually.  I know it’s not the best thing for me to be doing with my time, but I just needed it.  As one could easily tell, my mind was just not in a good place lately.  So even though I should have been using this time to get ahead and set myself into a good pattern… I’ve done exactly the opposite.

I hadn’t played the Switch in like 2 months, so it’s nice that I finally picked it up again.  I’m playing through Mario Odyssey right now.  I think I have put about 10 hours into the game.  Having not played one since Super Mario Bros. I have been moderately surprised at the learning curve.  It’s not impossible by any means, but I def. expected to just be able to pick it up and beat it no problem.  Truth is, I have struggled at some points though.  Keep working through it though.

I’m annoyed that I keep not getting hours at work and must pick up shifts and make the schedule work for me.  I know they want me around but getting 20 hours a week just isn’t proving that to me really.  I’ve been lucky and have been able to pick up shifts to get up to 36 hours this coming week and then 27 next week with likely more added on if I can find some good candidates for the stupid 4 hour shifts on that Friday and Saturday.

Even if I wasn’t going to be a team lead, I could still take on about 30 hours a week for the rest of the year nd be fine on my loan forgiveness.  Fact is, I just have gotten so few hours the beginning of the year it’s put me way ahead on total hours for the year.  I would like to get as close to 30 hours as I can get over the next couple of money until I start actually being a team lead.  I think the experience of working is good, but also the money is pretty nice.  I have a few things I would really like to spend my money on.

Top of my list is paying of f the rest of my credit card debt.  I’ve been spending a bit to much lately so I have been making strides, but much smaller ones than I had hoped.  I think having it done by end of May is still completely reasonable though.  When I look at the Vegas trip setting me back a bit, it’s a trade-off I will gladly accept though. Once I get that paid off there are two things that I am considering getting and both are pretty high value things.  I just have to decide which is going to prove more worth it long term.  How good I am at completing my goals over the next couple of months will likely go a long way in determining what I get.

I feel like I should write more.  This hasn’t been a very personal blog, and that’s quite the change from how things had been the last few, but I just feel like this is good enough for now.  Maybe I will write more in a few days.  We will see.

Thursday
Mar082018

You guys deserve a song after that long post...

Wednesday
Mar072018

Well that got a lot longer than I thought....

As I predicted I was able to fix all the issues with the loan forgiveness from a simple phone call.  I was happy that I was able to do it so easily of course, but glad they didn’t fight me on it.  I guess that when you send them things via email you are not always going to be guaranteed to get something back. I think they could do a lot to improve the communication between their side and my side.  I don’t really know though, everything worked out, so I don’t really care too much overall.

My mother is coming down this weekend it turns out.  She is sick, some kind of flu thing.  That really sucks, because it’s prolly going to be May or so before we get a chance to meet up again.  I wish that I got my schedule more in advance so that I could plan things a little better and maybe find a time to have her done here or take the train myself up to Burlington.  It’s just hard to plan anything when the earliest you know your schedule is like 14 days in advance and that is only half the weekend you actually know your schedule.  Just not the easiest thing to plan around.

It also kind fo sucks, because I wanted something to take my mind off of things.  I’m really not doing too much better the last few days and while I have done some positive things from a perspective of being productive, I will say that overall it’s still been a pretty big fail.  I just can’t motivate myself to do things.  I know that some of it is coming from the stress of married life, being very bored at work and just overall being an adult.  However, many people have it much worse an I feel like I am failing pretty hard.

I’m frustrated with myself because I know that I don’t express happiness like I should.  There is two major problems I have and I don’t know how to break either of them.  One, I don’t have that high level of happiness like some people do.  Two, I always want to keep getting better, doing something different, getting better.  No matter what I always ant to keep moving forward, which is good, except when you can’t stop and enjoy things for what they are.  The enjoying things for what they are has been happening less and less lately too.

The first thing that bothers me is that I seem to have this inner voice that tells me to always watch how much I am enjoying something.  Of course, it also tells me to check my sadness/anger at situations.  So sometimes I think that maybe I should be happier when I do something, but then I feel guilty or feel like I am doing things wrong, because I am enjoying it too much.  It’s causing more and more problems as it keeps going on.  I try to turn it off, or try to tell it not to be so annoying.  I find myself falling into the trap again though, because it’s so much easier to just be more even keel and go with it.  It’s so much easier to just keep everything on the middle road.

I’m not sure what I am scared will happen if I give more into my emotions, but at this point I am not even sure I can give in more even if I wanted to.  I have for so long just taken the path of least resistance and dealt with being so in the middle for so long that turning that part of my mind off seems nearly impossible. I am not even sure what the first step would be to really changing how I am.  That being said, I think that the first step might actually be something to do with the second thing.

It is of course very natural to want to keep getting better and not settling into a state of laziness.  It’s normal to want to keep achieving at a high level, but what is not natural is not being able to enjoy what is going on around you.  What is not normal is not being able to take a step back and appreciate what you have going on with you right now.   This, of course, isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate what I have, but I don’t take the happiness from it that I should.  I more… appreciate the bad hints that I don’t have.  I appreciate the lack of bad situations more than I appreciate the fact a good situation is there.

Living in the moment is not something that I am good at doing and this extends to thinking that I am always behind and then it snowballs really hard.  Should I be doing more to improve my life? 100% of course, but I also need to not get frustrated with myself when I am not able to adhere to things all the time.  I need a middle ground that allows me to think that I am doing a good job and accomplishing things while not getting too down on myself for feeling good.  There has been one time in my life that I have achieved this.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to replicate that scenario.

I have tried only have a few things I try to do well and that has failed.  I have tired having long checklists of things to do, and that has failed.  I have tried having no goals and just going for it.  That’s failed.  I’ve tried have short and long term goals and that has failed.  I think one common detonator in all these failings, besides myself, is that I can’t live in the moment enough and appreciate what I have done.  I always see everything that I have failed at instead of saying “great job getting 75% of the things you wanted to do this week done.”  Instead I focus on how if I was better I could get 100% and not getting 100% is just further proof of my failings.

This is a fundamentally broken part of my personality.  I should not be like this and I am not even sure how I got here.  I know that I worked hard to not be as angry, but I didn’t think that it would completely neuter my ability to have emotions. Overdoing things is something that I am very good at doing.  Writing consistently?  Nope, I will write 14k words one day and none for a week.  Playing video games?  Nope, I will play 10 hours one day and then not pick it up for two eels.  Working?  Nope, I want to work 15 hours in a day and then have 3 days off.  I don’t know how to do things in just a little bit.  It’s kind of funny, because I have an issue of going the middle road too much with my emotions, but I actually have the opposite problem when it comes to my actions.  I wonder if other people are like that?

So what is a good solution?

I’m not even sure.  It’s easy to say that I just need to start living in the moment more.  It’s simple to just say that I need to enjoy things in life when they are happening.  It’s not that easy though, because it’s trying to break habits from like 10 years.  Also, it’s not like that is some magic pill to make things better.  With the happiness I could have from something also come anger, sadness, jealousy and other emotions that are hard to control.  You don’t good without bad.  Learning how to juggle everything isn’t a simple task, no only for yourself, but everyone around you.

I don’t like having written most of this.  I’m not even sure I want to actually post any of this.  I may decide not to.  I think that it would be good for me to though.  It is depressing though, because I feel like I am ruining things around my by not being expressive enough.  I feel like no one around me really understands when I am happy or not.  I want to be more light hearted, but I just have this thing inside of me that stops it. 

The other night at work, a lot of people were standing up at the front talking.  It was beyond dead at work.  There really wasn’t very much to do.  I tried standing up there and talking, but I just couldn’t do it.  I had to go find work to do.  I couldn’t just let myself not do anything.  I know that the normal thing would be for me to just be like everyone else, but I just couldn’t.  I did find work to do.  It was 100% not needed for me to be doing it, but I did it anyway.  I knew when I walked away that it was the abnormal thing to o, but I just had to do it.

I think that is what is really frustrating.  When I can see the situations at the time they are happening and still can’t fix them.  When my mind know 100% what it is doing and yet, I can’t convince myself to just be like a normal person and have fun or slack off for a bit.  It’s not like I am trying to impress anyone, because the LOD that night already likes me and thinks that I do a great job.  It’s not like the workers I work with care ow hard I try for the most part.  As long as I am not creating a lot more work for them, then they don’t care either.  All that being said, I found stuff to do.

Man, this is a lot longer than I was thinking it was going to be.  I guess I am just going to leave it here and see what I feel like doing with it.  It’s the most real blog I have written in a long time.  I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

As I predicted I was able to fix all the issues with the loan forgiveness from a simple phone call.  I was happy that I was able to do it so easily of course, but glad they didn’t fight me on it.  I guess that when you send them things via email you are not always going to be guaranteed to get something back. I think they could do a lot to improve the communication between their side and my side.  I don’t really know though, everything worked out, so I don’t really care too much overall.

My mother is coming down this weekend it turns out.  She is sick, some kind of flu thing.  That really sucks, because it’s prolly going to be May or so before we get a chance to meet up again.  I wish that I got my schedule more in advance so that I could plan things a little better and maybe find a time to have her done here or take the train myself up to Burlington.  It’s just hard to plan anything when the earliest you know your schedule is like 14 days in advance and that is only half the weekend you actually know your schedule.  Just not the easiest thing to plan around.

It also kind fo sucks, because I wanted something to take my mind off of things.  I’m really not doing too much better the last few days and while I have done some positive things from a perspective of being productive, I will say that overall it’s still been a pretty big fail.  I just can’t motivate myself to do things.  I know that some of it is coming from the stress of married life, being very bored at work and just overall being an adult.  However, many people have it much worse an I feel like I am failing pretty hard.

I’m frustrated with myself because I know that I don’t express happiness like I should.  There is two major problems I have and I don’t know how to break either of them.  One, I don’t have that high level of happiness like some people do.  Two, I always want to keep getting better, doing something different, getting better.  No matter what I always ant to keep moving forward, which is good, except when you can’t stop and enjoy things for what they are.  The enjoying things for what they are has been happening less and less lately too.

The first thing that bothers me is that I seem to have this inner voice that tells me to always watch how much I am enjoying something.  Of course, it also tells me to check my sadness/anger at situations.  So sometimes I think that maybe I should be happier when I do something, but then I feel guilty or feel like I am doing things wrong, because I am enjoying it too much.  It’s causing more and more problems as it keeps going on.  I try to turn it off, or try to tell it not to be so annoying.  I find myself falling into the trap again though, because it’s so much easier to just be more even keel and go with it.  It’s so much easier to just keep everything on the middle road.

I’m not sure what I am scared will happen if I give more into my emotions, but at this point I am not even sure I can give in more even if I wanted to.  I have for so long just taken the path of least resistance and dealt with being so in the middle for so long that turning that part of my mind off seems nearly impossible. I am not even sure what the first step would be to really changing how I am.  That being said, I think that the first step might actually be something to do with the second thing.

It is of course very natural to want to keep getting better and not settling into a state of laziness.  It’s normal to want to keep achieving at a high level, but what is not natural is not being able to enjoy what is going on around you.  What is not normal is not being able to take a step back and appreciate what you have going on with you right now.   This, of course, isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate what I have, but I don’t take the happiness from it that I should.  I more… appreciate the bad hints that I don’t have.  I appreciate the lack of bad situations more than I appreciate the fact a good situation is there.

Living in the moment is not something that I am good at doing and this extends to thinking that I am always behind and then it snowballs really hard.  Should I be doing more to improve my life? 100% of course, but I also need to not get frustrated with myself when I am not able to adhere to things all the time.  I need a middle ground that allows me to think that I am doing a good job and accomplishing things while not getting too down on myself for feeling good.  There has been one time in my life that I have achieved this.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to replicate that scenario.

I have tried only have a few things I try to do well and that has failed.  I have tired having long checklists of things to do, and that has failed.  I have tried having no goals and just going for it.  That’s failed.  I’ve tried have short and long term goals and that has failed.  I think one common detonator in all these failings, besides myself, is that I can’t live in the moment enough and appreciate what I have done.  I always see everything that I have failed at instead of saying “great job getting 75% of the things you wanted to do this week done.”  Instead I focus on how if I was better I could get 100% and not getting 100% is just further proof of my failings.

This is a fundamentally broken part of my personality.  I should not be like this and I am not even sure how I got here.  I know that I worked hard to not be as angry, but I didn’t think that it would completely neuter my ability to have emotions. Overdoing things is something that I am very good at doing.  Writing consistently?  Nope, I will write 14k words one day and none for a week.  Playing video games?  Nope, I will play 10 hours one day and then not pick it up for two eels.  Working?  Nope, I want to work 15 hours in a day and then have 3 days off.  I don’t know how to do things in just a little bit.  It’s kind of funny, because I have an issue of going the middle road too much with my emotions, but I actually have the opposite problem when it comes to my actions.  I wonder if other people are like that?

So what is a good solution?

I’m not even sure.  It’s easy to say that I just need to start living in the moment more.  It’s simple to just say that I need to enjoy things in life when they are happening.  It’s not that easy though, because it’s trying to break habits from like 10 years.  Also, it’s not like that is some magic pill to make things better.  With the happiness I could have from something also come anger, sadness, jealousy and other emotions that are hard to control.  You don’t good without bad.  Learning how to juggle everything isn’t a simple task, no only for yourself, but everyone around you.

I don’t like having written most of this.  I’m not even sure I want to actually post any of this.  I may decide not to.  I think that it would be good for me to though.  It is depressing though, because I feel like I am ruining things around my by not being expressive enough.  I feel like no one around me really understands when I am happy or not.  I want to be more light hearted, but I just have this thing inside of me that stops it. 

The other night at work, a lot of people were standing up at the front talking.  It was beyond dead at work.  There really wasn’t very much to do.  I tried standing up there and talking, but I just couldn’t do it.  I had to go find work to do.  I couldn’t just let myself not do anything.  I know that the normal thing would be for me to just be like everyone else, but I just couldn’t.  I did find work to do.  It was 100% not needed for me to be doing it, but I did it anyway.  I knew when I walked away that it was the abnormal thing to o, but I just had to do it.

I think that is what is really frustrating.  When I can see the situations at the time they are happening and still can’t fix them.  When my mind know 100% what it is doing and yet, I can’t convince myself to just be like a normal person and have fun or slack off for a bit.  It’s not like I am trying to impress anyone, because the LOD that night already likes me and thinks that I do a great job.  It’s not like the workers I work with care ow hard I try for the most part.  As long as I am not creating a lot more work for them, then they don’t care either.  All that being said, I found stuff to do.

Man, this is a lot longer than I was thinking it was going to be.  I guess I am just going to leave it here and see what I feel like doing with it.  It’s the most real blog I have written in a long time.  I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

Wednesday
Mar072018

As I predicted I was able to fix all the issues with the loan forgiveness from a simple phone call.  I was happy that I was able to do it so easily of course, but glad they didn’t fight me on it.  I guess that when you send them things via email you are not always going to be guaranteed to get something back. I think they could do a lot to improve the communication between their side and my side.  I don’t really know though, everything worked out, so I don’t really care too much overall.
My mother is coming down this weekend it turns out.  She is sick, some kind of flu thing.  That really sucks, because it’s prolly going to be May or so before we get a chance to meet up again.  I wish that I got my schedule more in advance so that I could plan things a little better and maybe find a time to have her done here or take the train myself up to Burlington.  It’s just hard to plan anything when the earliest you know your schedule is like 14 days in advance and that is only half the weekend you actually know your schedule.  Just not the easiest thing to plan around.
It also kind fo sucks, because I wanted something to take my mind off of things.  I’m really not doing too much better the last few days and while I have done some positive things from a perspective of being productive, I will say that overall it’s still been a pretty big fail.  I just can’t motivate myself to do things.  I know that some of it is coming from the stress of married life, being very bored at work and just overall being an adult.  However, many people have it much worse an I feel like I am failing pretty hard.
I’m frustrated with myself because I know that I don’t express happiness like I should.  There is two major problems I have and I don’t know how to break either of them.  One, I don’t have that high level of happiness like some people do.  Two, I always want to keep getting better, doing something different, getting better.  No matter what I always ant to keep moving forward, which is good, except when you can’t stop and enjoy things for what they are.  The enjoying things for what they are has been happening less and less lately too.
The first thing that bothers me is that I seem to have this inner voice that tells me to always watch how much I am enjoying something.  Of course, it also tells me to check my sadness/anger at situations.  So sometimes I think that maybe I should be happier when I do something, but then I feel guilty or feel like I am doing things wrong, because I am enjoying it too much.  It’s causing more and more problems as it keeps going on.  I try to turn it off, or try to tell it not to be so annoying.  I find myself falling into the trap again though, because it’s so much easier to just be more even keel and go with it.  It’s so much easier to just keep everything on the middle road.
I’m not sure what I am scared will happen if I give more into my emotions, but at this point I am not even sure I can give in more even if I wanted to.  I have for so long just taken the path of least resistance and dealt with being so in the middle for so long that turning that part of my mind off seems nearly impossible. I am not even sure what the first step would be to really changing how I am.  That being said, I think that the first step might actually be something to do with the second thing.
It is of course very natural to want to keep getting better and not settling into a state of laziness.  It’s normal to want to keep achieving at a high level, but what is not natural is not being able to enjoy what is going on around you.  What is not normal is not being able to take a step back and appreciate what you have going on with you right now.   This, of course, isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate what I have, but I don’t take the happiness from it that I should.  I more… appreciate the bad hints that I don’t have.  I appreciate the lack of bad situations more than I appreciate the fact a good situation is there.
Living in the moment is not something that I am good at doing and this extends to thinking that I am always behind and then it snowballs really hard.  Should I be doing more to improve my life? 100% of course, but I also need to not get frustrated with myself when I am not able to adhere to things all the time.  I need a middle ground that allows me to think that I am doing a good job and accomplishing things while not getting too down on myself for feeling good.  There has been one time in my life that I have achieved this.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to replicate that scenario.
I have tried only have a few things I try to do well and that has failed.  I have tired having long checklists of things to do, and that has failed.  I have tried having no goals and just going for it.  That’s failed.  I’ve tried have short and long term goals and that has failed.  I think one common detonator in all these failings, besides myself, is that I can’t live in the moment enough and appreciate what I have done.  I always see everything that I have failed at instead of saying “great job getting 75% of the things you wanted to do this week done.”  Instead I focus on how if I was better I could get 100% and not getting 100% is just further proof of my failings. 
This is a fundamentally broken part of my personality.  I should not be like this and I am not even sure how I got here.  I know that I worked hard to not be as angry, but I didn’t think that it would completely neuter my ability to have emotions. Overdoing things is something that I am very good at doing.  Writing consistently?  Nope, I will write 14k words one day and none for a week.  Playing video games?  Nope, I will play 10 hours one day and then not pick it up for two eels.  Working?  Nope, I want to work 15 hours in a day and then have 3 days off.  I don’t know how to do things in just a little bit.  It’s kind of funny, because I have an issue of going the middle road too much with my emotions, but I actually have the opposite problem when it comes to my actions.  I wonder if other people are like that?
So what is a good solution?
I’m not even sure.  It’s easy to say that I just need to start living in the moment more.  It’s simple to just say that I need to enjoy things in life when they are happening.  It’s not that easy though, because it’s trying to break habits from like 10 years.  Also, it’s not like that is some magic pill to make things better.  With the happiness I could have from something also come anger, sadness, jealousy and other emotions that are hard to control.  You don’t good without bad.  Learning how to juggle everything isn’t a simple task, no only for yourself, but everyone around you.
I don’t like having written most of this.  I’m not even sure I want to actually post any of this.  I may decide not to.  I think that it would be good for me to though.  It is depressing though, because I feel like I am ruining things around my by not being expressive enough.  I feel like no one around me really understands when I am happy or not.  I want to be more light hearted, but I just have this thing inside of me that stops it.  
The other night at work, a lot of people were standing up at the front talking.  It was beyond dead at work.  There really wasn’t very much to do.  I tried standing up there and talking, but I just couldn’t do it.  I had to go find work to do.  I couldn’t just let myself not do anything.  I know that the normal thing would be for me to just be like everyone else, but I just couldn’t.  I did find work to do.  It was 100% not needed for me to be doing it, but I did it anyway.  I knew when I walked away that it was the abnormal thing to o, but I just had to do it.
I think that is what is really frustrating.  When I can see the situations at the time they are happening and still can’t fix them.  When my mind know 100% what it is doing and yet, I can’t convince myself to just be like a normal person and have fun or slack off for a bit.  It’s not like I am trying to impress anyone, because the LOD that night already likes me and thinks that I do a great job.  It’s not like the workers I work with care ow hard I try for the most part.  As long as I am not creating a lot more work for them, then they don’t care either.  All that being said, I found stuff to do.
Man, this is a lot longer than I was thinking it was going to be.  I guess I am just going to leave it here and see what I feel like doing with it.  It’s the most real blog I have written in a long time.  I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

As I predicted I was able to fix all the issues with the loan forgiveness from a simple phone call.  I was happy that I was able to do it so easily of course, but glad they didn’t fight me on it.  I guess that when you send them things via email you are not always going to be guaranteed to get something back. I think they could do a lot to improve the communication between their side and my side.  I don’t really know though, everything worked out, so I don’t really care too much overall.
My mother is coming down this weekend it turns out.  She is sick, some kind of flu thing.  That really sucks, because it’s prolly going to be May or so before we get a chance to meet up again.  I wish that I got my schedule more in advance so that I could plan things a little better and maybe find a time to have her done here or take the train myself up to Burlington.  It’s just hard to plan anything when the earliest you know your schedule is like 14 days in advance and that is only half the weekend you actually know your schedule.  Just not the easiest thing to plan around.
It also kind fo sucks, because I wanted something to take my mind off of things.  I’m really not doing too much better the last few days and while I have done some positive things from a perspective of being productive, I will say that overall it’s still been a pretty big fail.  I just can’t motivate myself to do things.  I know that some of it is coming from the stress of married life, being very bored at work and just overall being an adult.  However, many people have it much worse an I feel like I am failing pretty hard.
I’m frustrated with myself because I know that I don’t express happiness like I should.  There is two major problems I have and I don’t know how to break either of them.  One, I don’t have that high level of happiness like some people do.  Two, I always want to keep getting better, doing something different, getting better.  No matter what I always ant to keep moving forward, which is good, except when you can’t stop and enjoy things for what they are.  The enjoying things for what they are has been happening less and less lately too.
The first thing that bothers me is that I seem to have this inner voice that tells me to always watch how much I am enjoying something.  Of course, it also tells me to check my sadness/anger at situations.  So sometimes I think that maybe I should be happier when I do something, but then I feel guilty or feel like I am doing things wrong, because I am enjoying it too much.  It’s causing more and more problems as it keeps going on.  I try to turn it off, or try to tell it not to be so annoying.  I find myself falling into the trap again though, because it’s so much easier to just be more even keel and go with it.  It’s so much easier to just keep everything on the middle road.
I’m not sure what I am scared will happen if I give more into my emotions, but at this point I am not even sure I can give in more even if I wanted to.  I have for so long just taken the path of least resistance and dealt with being so in the middle for so long that turning that part of my mind off seems nearly impossible. I am not even sure what the first step would be to really changing how I am.  That being said, I think that the first step might actually be something to do with the second thing.
It is of course very natural to want to keep getting better and not settling into a state of laziness.  It’s normal to want to keep achieving at a high level, but what is not natural is not being able to enjoy what is going on around you.  What is not normal is not being able to take a step back and appreciate what you have going on with you right now.   This, of course, isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate what I have, but I don’t take the happiness from it that I should.  I more… appreciate the bad hints that I don’t have.  I appreciate the lack of bad situations more than I appreciate the fact a good situation is there.
Living in the moment is not something that I am good at doing and this extends to thinking that I am always behind and then it snowballs really hard.  Should I be doing more to improve my life? 100% of course, but I also need to not get frustrated with myself when I am not able to adhere to things all the time.  I need a middle ground that allows me to think that I am doing a good job and accomplishing things while not getting too down on myself for feeling good.  There has been one time in my life that I have achieved this.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to replicate that scenario.
I have tried only have a few things I try to do well and that has failed.  I have tired having long checklists of things to do, and that has failed.  I have tried having no goals and just going for it.  That’s failed.  I’ve tried have short and long term goals and that has failed.  I think one common detonator in all these failings, besides myself, is that I can’t live in the moment enough and appreciate what I have done.  I always see everything that I have failed at instead of saying “great job getting 75% of the things you wanted to do this week done.”  Instead I focus on how if I was better I could get 100% and not getting 100% is just further proof of my failings. 
This is a fundamentally broken part of my personality.  I should not be like this and I am not even sure how I got here.  I know that I worked hard to not be as angry, but I didn’t think that it would completely neuter my ability to have emotions. Overdoing things is something that I am very good at doing.  Writing consistently?  Nope, I will write 14k words one day and none for a week.  Playing video games?  Nope, I will play 10 hours one day and then not pick it up for two eels.  Working?  Nope, I want to work 15 hours in a day and then have 3 days off.  I don’t know how to do things in just a little bit.  It’s kind of funny, because I have an issue of going the middle road too much with my emotions, but I actually have the opposite problem when it comes to my actions.  I wonder if other people are like that?
So what is a good solution?
I’m not even sure.  It’s easy to say that I just need to start living in the moment more.  It’s simple to just say that I need to enjoy things in life when they are happening.  It’s not that easy though, because it’s trying to break habits from like 10 years.  Also, it’s not like that is some magic pill to make things better.  With the happiness I could have from something also come anger, sadness, jealousy and other emotions that are hard to control.  You don’t good without bad.  Learning how to juggle everything isn’t a simple task, no only for yourself, but everyone around you.
I don’t like having written most of this.  I’m not even sure I want to actually post any of this.  I may decide not to.  I think that it would be good for me to though.  It is depressing though, because I feel like I am ruining things around my by not being expressive enough.  I feel like no one around me really understands when I am happy or not.  I want to be more light hearted, but I just have this thing inside of me that stops it.  
The other night at work, a lot of people were standing up at the front talking.  It was beyond dead at work.  There really wasn’t very much to do.  I tried standing up there and talking, but I just couldn’t do it.  I had to go find work to do.  I couldn’t just let myself not do anything.  I know that the normal thing would be for me to just be like everyone else, but I just couldn’t.  I did find work to do.  It was 100% not needed for me to be doing it, but I did it anyway.  I knew when I walked away that it was the abnormal thing to o, but I just had to do it.
I think that is what is really frustrating.  When I can see the situations at the time they are happening and still can’t fix them.  When my mind know 100% what it is doing and yet, I can’t convince myself to just be like a normal person and have fun or slack off for a bit.  It’s not like I am trying to impress anyone, because the LOD that night already likes me and thinks that I do a great job.  It’s not like the workers I work with care ow hard I try for the most part.  As long as I am not creating a lot more work for them, then they don’t care either.  All that being said, I found stuff to do.
Man, this is a lot longer than I was thinking it was going to be.  I guess I am just going to leave it here and see what I feel like doing with it.  It’s the most real blog I have written in a long time.  I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

Tuesday
Mar062018

Just can't take control....

So i guess the discharge people didn’t get my letter with my income verification.  I think things are going to be fine, but I have to call them tomorrow and talk to them.  They are threatening to reinstate my loans now. I would prefer that didn’t happen, because even if that does end up being the end result for things, i want to do it at my own speed and not the speed they tell me to do it.  Considering i sent them a few emails over the past few days with the letter each time, i think it should be pretty clear i made the effort after they didn’t get the snail mail version of things.

I really hate the postal system, because there is no good way to make sure what you sent actually got where it was supposed to.  I mailed something, but until just now i had no idea that it didn’t make it to the place it was supposed to. Of course, had they said i could just do everything online in the first place i could have had confirmation they got what I was trying to send to them.  Instead I was assuming that things were good when they clearly were not. It’s aggravating. It’s also aggravating that they are not open 24 hours a day, but in reality, i shouldn’t expect them to be. That would be a bit crazy.

I will call tomorrow though and get it all sorted.  They were pretty nice last time i talked to them. SO I am hoping that i get someone as nice this time and things are rectified as quickly as possible.  I think when I moved, it threw things off a little bit and i didn’t get things when I was supposed to. That’s also on me though for not telling them sooner that I moved.  I guess there is never a dull moment with stuff with me. If it’s not one thing, then it’s another. The good thing is that if they do get reinstated, my income is so freaking low that i will not have very high payments.  So that’s good, or something?

Work is going fine i guess.  I have been going and doing what I am supposed to.  We are supposed to get a raise sometime soon. I am not sure when, but i know we are going to have our yearly reviews in the next week or so.  While i haven’t worked there for a year, i guess it’s just easier for them to do it all at one time. I’m also supposed to hear about when i start learning team lead stuff this week.  I’m going to be pressing on that stuff pretty hard. I really want to make sure that there is no foot dragging on that.

I decided to delete League of Legends last night.  I’m not in a great place mentally right now and was just trying to think of things that make me unhappy.  Feeling like a piece of crap is at the top of that list, but it’s not something that I can fix right now. So when i start really looking at stuff that I can fix that are completely in my control, well, the frustration from a game was at the top of that list.  I had fun playing League, but i also felt like trash after playing it sometimes too. I just don’t think that i need to have that feeling in my life, to be honest. I can find other games to play that are fun, but don’t have that toxicity behind it.

Perhaps that makes me a weak person overall, because I just can’t ignore the chat and stuff.  I’m not going to pretend like i am not weak in that way. However, what’s the ue of playing a game or fun that you have to ignore parts of it?  I just don’t see the appeal of feeling like trash after playing something that was supposed to be fun. I get i wasn’t a great player, but i also wasn’t the worst player in the world either.  Maybe I will come back to it when i get in a better head space, but perhaps i will just decide to follow the pro games and leave it at that. I am for sure going to be watching the pro games though.

I want to spend more time writing and developing that side of myself.  I have an ipad pro, and writing on that is really nice. I would like to be able to utilize some of the really good applications built for writing on it and really put in the work to finish some short stories.  I will have a lot more time now that i won’t just be loading up random League games for no real reason. I found myself doing that just way too much. I would load up a game, not really wanting to play, but almost like an addiction of sorts.

My mother is coming down this weekend, and then I will have a few weeks until I am going to STL for the weekend to attend a wedding.  I would like to get into a good spot before i have to attend that wedding. I need to be working out more consistently, doing well at work, playing some video games, writing and just have a more rounded out life.  That’s not going super well right now, but I just need to do it.

I feel like things are just not going anywhere right now.  I will have a day that i make some big strides and really start to feel better about where i am and then it’s like 5 steps back the next week.  One good day doesn’t lead to another good day. One good day leads to 5 days of not doing well. I don’t know how to break the cycle, but i just keep seeing it happen again and again.  I guess i really don’t know. I think that’s long enough for now.

Wednesday
Feb282018

I’d love to have this much confidence

Wednesday
Feb282018

The feeling has caught up...

I haven’t decided how often i am going to be updating things, but I know that it’s going to be at least every couple of days.  I’m still doing well if that is my goal.  I wouldn’t expect every day though, because my life just isn’t all that interesting.  I’m not even sure that my life is interesting enough to update every couple of days even, but here i am, typing away at things.

I think i am going to get Microsoft Word sooner than I thought, because I guess that the iPad version of Google Docs doesn’t have a spell check, How do you even create a program that you think that is appropriate?  You are a word processing tool, you should be able to word process effectively and not force me to get on a secondary machine to finish what I am doing.  It’s pretty ridiculous. I guess it doesn’t matter all that much, but it just annoys me, because I wanted to save that money.

Talking about saving money, I think i am going to have to break down and get shoes sooner than I wanted to.  I’ve been walking even more at work lately and my feet are hurting.  I am also getting a lot more hours and with some of those hours being in different sections of the store, my walking might increase even more.  I went 20k steps yesterday and then another 15k steps today.  I work tomorrow and not sure my legs can take another 15,000 steps, but I guess we will see what happens.

I would think that if i am walking this much I would feel a lot better overall, but I am not sure.  I don’t feel like i am in great shape though.  I know i need to start working out, but with my body feeling the way it does after work anyway, it’s hard to take that step.  We will see though, because there is what I want to do and what i know i should do.  I would like to think that I will be good enough to do what I should do.  I have some serious doubts about myself right now though.

Today was one of those sad days.  I just legit feel depressed.  I am not completely sure where it is coming from, but the feeling is unmistakable.  When i try to parse it out in my mind, I am not sure how to get better about some of the things.  I know that i shouldn’t feel like a failure, but I do.  Yes, I am doing well at work, but being good at Target just feels so hollow.  It feels like anyone who put in any kind of actual effort would be good at it.  I know i shouldn’t put myself down like that, but It just kind of happens.

I never wanted to be the person who was good at only work.  I never wanted to be that person who just has a career that they can hang their hat on.  It feels like i am slowly becoming that though, because I have so little going on outside work and so many of my things in life have ended in abject failure.  Maybe i can do better now, because any side projects i start are just going to be for fun, but i seem to not be able to pick things for myself that actually lead to productive and worthwhile time spent.

So yea, that has been my whole mood from today.  Just dwelling on these feelings and thoughts even though I should still be happy.  It feels like every time i get some good news the bad feelings bear makes itself well known and obvious very soon after.  Every time something good happens i start to fall down a dark path not long after about how i could be doing things better or something along those lines.  It’s completely irrational and isn’t helpful to anyone.  I just keep doing it though.  I just keep telling myself that i shouldn’t be happy.

This is why i am writing this blog though.  I need to get it out, because it’s all up inside of me and i just feel this pressure inside me.  I feel this need to feel down.  I think that allowing that feeling to just stay inside of me and eat at me is the major problem though.  I have felt it chasing me more and more over the past 2-3 weeks.  Sometimes i hide from it, but then it come back and it’s closer than it was before.  It has fully caught me and i need to either find a way to push it back down inside or make a change and start doing positive things for myself.  I don’t know which will happen.  I know which should happen.

I think that is going to be all for now.  I’m going to go lay down so i can wake up decently early and not feel like completely butt.

Saturday
Feb242018

Two blogs in two days....

I tried to make a conscious effort today to actually do something and make my day off not a complete waste.  I think I actually did pretty well overall.  Could it have been better?  Sure, but things can always be better.  I played 700 hands of poker, played some League, cleaned a bit, made dinner and watched some TV with Jess.  I think that overall that’s a pretty big win.  Sure, most of those things sound small, but they are all part of a balanced life.

Tomorrow I work for 6.5 hours, so I won’t get as much done, but I can still be productive.  Those are the days that I really need to work on reclaiming.  When I work in a day, I sometimes know that the chances of me getting anything else done are pretty much slim to none.  When I work 6.5 hours, I think it’s completely reasonable to expect myself to still get 4ish hours of productive things done.  Some of the stuff I would like to accomplish aren’t anything super great, just small things.  Like working out, playing a bit of poker or something similar.  I’m not looking at writing 2,000 words or something like that on days I work over 6 hours.

I’m really happy I decided to get the iPad.  It is making work so much easier for sure.  I can not imagine working without the pencil though.  I thought it was kind of a gimmick and planned on just getting on and returning it after realizing how worthless it was, but I was completely wrong.  It makes using the UI and everything in the apps just so much easier.  Fingers are just not nearly as good to use when trying to use the iPad for any major leant of time.

I don’t use the stylus with my phone all that often, and I think a lot of that has to do with not wanting to get real work done while using my phone.  I just don’t see my phone as a tool to get super productive with.  It’s not that my phone is worthless, but it’s only going to be for quick tasks.  Anything that is somewhat intensive is just not going to be something I want to do.  The one thing I do miss on the iPad is my keyboard.  I have a decent one, but not having the key travel and clicks feeling from my desktop keyboard does make me a bit sad.  I have some options for low profile mechanical keyboards I could do though.  So it’s pretty possible I invest in one of those sometime in the future.  I did not get the type cover and do not plan on doing so.

I think my next big purchase is going to be a decent pair of shoes to wear during the days I work.  I need something that is going to make my feet feel at least okay when I work 3 or 4 days in a row.  I walk about 13,000 to 15,000 steps while I am at work and that’s a lot on the hard floors.  So I need to find.a shoe that is insanely comfortable.  I was looking at stuff guys who work in warehouses or on construction sites use.  While this might be a bit overkill because of the industrial design of the shoe, it would be really comfortable.  

I did buy a new pair of Nike shoes recently, and I have to say that I was pretty disappointed with them overall.  My feet still hurt at the end of the day and while they feel good for the first 5,000 to 7,000 steps they just don't hold up over heavy days.  They also don’t feel good when I have to wear them for lots of days in a row.  So right now, I am using a rotation of shoes.  It’s actually working out okay, but I would rather just get one pair of really good work shoes.  The only thing holding my back from pulling the trigger right now is the price.  I just have such an aversion to spending another $100 on shoes, after I spent $70 on the Nike shoes that isn’t get the job done I wanted them to.

I was hoping to have my major debts paid off by the end of March and that’s clearly just not going to happen at this point.  I am going to have made some progress, but I am still going to be at least 1.5 months away at the end of the month.  I’ve been spending things a bit more freely than I wanted to.  It’s not exactly the worst thing in the world, it’s just that I have had fun things I would rather buy come up and have wanted to enjoy my money from working a bit more.  I think that when I saw I wasn’t going to quit this job early on, spending all the money to pay off the debt just didn’t seem as important.

I’m going to be changing that at least slightly here in the next couple of months.  We got Jess’s CC paid off before it even started accumulating interest, I paid off my Paypal amount and have made a dent in my CC.  That’s good, but it’s not good enough.  I would like to have my CC completely paid off by the start of summer and have a decent idea how I am going to pay off a few more long-term pieces of debt will be ideal.  I think by the end of 2018 I can realistically have all my revolving debt paid off.  If that does happen, then my credit score will be back above 700 and that is where I need it to be to set up a couple of things I would like to do in 2019/2020.

I have 2.5 months until I turn 29. I feel like a lot of being 28 was wasted and that sucks.  I had big plans for when I was 28.  I really wanted to get things back on track and make my life a better thing.  I have failed pretty much at every step.  The things I have tried didn't work out well and then other failures just followed it.The last month has been better, but I look at things and I am still so far away from anything really useful.  I work a part-time job at a retail store.  That’s really not the life I wanted for myself and I don’t think it’s the life anyone would have really thought I would have either.  Pretty sure I have come up short on everyone’s expectations at this point.

I have to not think like that though, because it doesn’t do anyone any good to think like that.  I can only control what is in front of me now and can only make things better in which I have control of right now.  That is working hard at what I do have and making the changes to my life outside work that will pay rewards in the near and long term future.  If I can make these last 2.5 months good, then at least I can hang my hat on that and say that even though I fell short on 28, I at least am further along than I was when I was 27.

Thursday
Feb222018

Come back with some music!