Recent Changes

Sunday
Aug262018

Running in the right direction!

Blog 8/26/2018

I ran for the first time today in nearly three years. It’s possible it was even longer ago when i really think about it, but I can’t really for sure remember the last time, so we will say three years ago before I moved to Kansas City. Anyway, I wads really happy with myself for actually doing it. I also did the stair master, which i think might be one of the most evil things ever created. Like seriously, who thought that was something that should be created?

Anyway, it went really well. i ran 1.5 miles at a 10 min/mi pace. I just put the treadmill on 6 miles per hour and let it go. I have no real reference for how good that is after such a long layoff. I also wonder if i could have gone further had i not just got done working a full day and going my normal 12k steps at work. Either way, I can make goals for myself now that aren’t just pulled from nowhere.

That does beg the question though of what i want those goals to be. Do i want to start running further or do i want to run faster? What’s my upper limit of what i want to be doing? I think further is going to be my main goal to start and then adding speed over time. One thing i liked about running today was that i could just kind of zone out and let things go through my mind. it’s really nice after work, because i get a lot more stressed out at work than i really should.

The other question is if I want to start doing this after work as a way to cool down, or if I want to just do it in the morning like I had planned on initially. In the morning it makes sure i get it done and puts me in a good spot mentally for the rest of the day. After work i can use it as a sort of catharsis. I think that morning is still going to win out, but I will occasionally go at night as well just to clear my mind if i feel the need to do that.

i got this 10 liter bag that looks really nice off Amazon the other day and I think that I am going to order 2 more just like it. Initially i thought i just wanted it to carry around water or something if Jess and I wanted to go hiking, but now that i have seen the size and used it some, i want one for taking to work and I want one for taking to the gym as well. While it might sound a bit small, and it is, i just really like the size and it makes the minimalist inside of me rather happy.

I really need to get a knife for work. Today i was trying to use scissors to cut boxes and that just was a pain. I almost cut myself a few times and it was just challenging to get the right angles on things that i was looking to do. For whatever reason we never seem to have box cutters at work. While bringing my own knife might be a bit overkill, I think it would be pretty useful. Also, the small size i was looking at getting would make it barely noticeable for my daily carry of things.

We got a new HR person at work. I’ve met her once, but it was a pretty quick meeting overall. I need to decide how to talk to her about developing to be a lead at work. The HR person is the one who has final say over who gets that chance and who doesn’t. The previous person was working with me on things and from what she was talking about things were pretty close to getting to a point that i might get the interviews i needed to actually do that. Sadly, she is gone now and I am worried that I am going to be starting over at ground zero again. This week, talking to her, is going to be one of my main goals. i am just nervous about it though, because knowing what tact to take with it is hard and i don’t want to make a bad impression.

I decided that I am going to start my 12 week year on Friday. I know that sounds like a strange time to start a goal timeframe of any kind, but what I like most about it is that i get my schedules for the week after on that day, so I can kind of see what I have going on in 9-10 days and can start to plan around that. Also, if I am going to be traveling it is a Friday-Sunday a lot fo the time or some variation thereof, so i can better set up my week knowing I am going to be missing the beginning of it and not the end of it like I would if I started on Monday or Sunday.

I’m using the couple days this week as kind of a trial period to see how i feel and what i need to change about my goals. I think a few things are going to change already, and not for the bad exactly, but more just because i think other things will be more important to me overall. For instance, I think that running is going to be a lot larger focus for me than i had thought it was going to be. That’s not bad, it’s just something to account for when looking at weight gains i would hope to make.

All right, i think that’s going to be all for now. Jess is heading home from her friends house and i would like to have this posted by the time she gets home.

Friday
Aug242018

I listen to this on repeat while writing sometimes

Friday
Aug242018

I feel like a new person....

Blog (In Progress)

Since the last time I wrote I can’t even begin to describe all the ways that things have changed. It’s a pretty stark change from where I used to be, and I am not sad about that at all, it’s just something that has taken some real getting used to. The biggest changes have been: I no longer have a computer (willingly), I am on a anti-depressant, I joined Planet Fitness and i started writing again.

Let’s go ahead and start at the biggest one, I am taking Lexapro. I started taking it sometime in late May, but it took until just around 2 weeks ago to have a consistent, positive effect on me. Getting the dosage right took some real effort on the part of the doctor and I, and it wasn’t really fun, especially at first. My dosage was so low at the start that I felt terrible and anxious all the time. At this point my dosage is decently high, but it’s working.

Working essentially means that I don’t feel completely hopeless and desperate like I have. While I don’t think everything is rosey and perfect, things have been so much better. I’ve been much more attentive as a husband and have really changed in how I interact with people. My base personality is still roughly the same but it’s the small things that I didn’t do before that are making a huge difference. For me, I think that makes it a clear huge success.

The one thing that has been much harder to come to terms with though is that I was likely depressed for 5-7 years and made some terrible choices and decisions in that time. I feel like since taking this medicine that 50% of myself that was lying dormant is awakened. I’m doing a lot of small things that I always told myself to do, but just couldn’t force myself to do. i knew that they were the “right” things to do, but it just wasn’t going to happen. It was a really frustrating thing for me, but I am sure it was even more frustrating for those closest to me.

Everything is not perfect though. I haven’t made any serious headway on goals. I’ve been feeling better, but also wasting more time (but I am happier while doing it) and there is still relationships that I am trying to think about how to approach or repair. I am glad to have these feelings though, because it means that I am not just doping myself up and thinking that everything is fine. I’m seeing the downsides that still exist or the damage that has been done and am working to make things better.

I also decided to get rid of my computer. I sold it to a friend I have had for a long time now. He was looking to upgrade his current machine and gave me the upper end of what I was looking for and covered shipping. I wasn’t using my computer at all basically and rather than just have it sit around telling myself that I was going to start using it “any day now,” i decided it was better to cut my losses and use the money to get our financial situation even better.

Reality is I am only use one program on the computer that I couldn’t get on my iPad and jess has a computer for me to be able to do that. So using my iPad almost exclusivley really hasn’t been an issue. I used some of the money from selling my computer to get a new mechanical keyboard as well. At that point I will have basically everything I want/need in an easily movable and simple package. In reality I couldn’t be much happier about this. I’m going to miss certain things for sure like the screen real estate, but I am thinking of ways to even bridge that gap some. (Namely a second iPad, albeit a smaller on).

I decided that instead of accumulating more exercise equipment at the house I should just join a place that has everything i would ever need and more. While one day I would love to have a place like The Rock that has a full gym in the house, I realize I am super far away from that. So Planet Fitness seemed like the best place for me, because it’s pretty chill. While you can 100% get a great workout there, you are not surrounded by guys trying to go over the top and become the next Rock. I think that was the biggest appeal for me.

I also started writing again on a much more consistent basis. It’s not on the same stoy that i had been working on in the past, but it still feels nice to be working on something creative. My job is pretty mind numbing, so trying to stretch the mental muscles a bit again has been really nice. I’ve been thinking about getting into more long-form non-fiction reading again as well. Maybe politics, but not like the new cycle stuff, but journal articles or even books. I want to stay away from sensationalist stuff and more towards peer-reviewed stuff or at least solid books that teach me more on a fundamental level, not that keep me “up to date.”

I think that is going to be all for now. While it might be a bit shorter of an update, it’s a pretty big on. So we will let that settle for a bit.

Sunday
May062018

A little writing here, a little writing there.

It’s been a while since i got around to writing in the blog.  I keep telling myself to get better at it, but yet, here i find myself not writing in it.  It’s not all bad though as I am making progress to actually doing things that i should be doing.  It’s kind of slow, but it’s been good.  So I will just add this on to the list of conquered tasks now.

I started working out last week and have done 5 days of Insanity so far.  I did a bit of a modification to the schedule for the first few days, because i didn’t want to bother with the fit test.  It’s not that hard and doesn’t really get me closer to my goals.  I don’t feel like I need to have something tell me that I am doing better.  I can feel if i am doing better by just how well i can keep up with things.

As expected it’s killing my body.  Not in a bad way, but just in that way that I can feel i was really out of shape before starting.  I really was under the impression that i was staying in decent shape before this.  I thought walking so many steps and carrying boxes and stuff would do more for me.  It’s clear i was very wrong, as Insanity has just chewed me up and spit me out.  I feel like my progress is better though than in previous attempts.  I’m not sure if that’s just a mental thing, or it actually is. 

Besides that though i haven’t been making too much progress towards much else.  I need to start creative writing again though.  I can feel my mind wanting to be creative at work, but it doesn’t have a proper outlet to do that.  I can feel it begging to do something that is stimulating to it.  Working at Target is 100% not providing that stimulation.  I think I want to work on a fan fiction and then actually finish my story that i have had so close to completion for so long.

I’m not sure what my goal with writing more is going to be, but i feel like I want it to be something along the lines of just not letting my mind atrophy.  I feel like my body was starting to before i started working out.  I know my mind has gotten slower since starting to work there.  I feel like my memory is worse.  I feel like my intellect has been dulled.  It’s not a great feeling.  SO I think starting to write again will allow me to continue doing my job while aso being happier.

I never wanted a job that I wasn’t going to be challenged at, but i have found myself at that point.  That being said, it dioesn’t mean that i have to give up having a sharp mind.  I am just going to have to find how to get those challenges in other ways.  I have these ideas of how to maybe go about it, but we will see if I can get there.

I actually mapped out a new office layout the other day that i would really like to do.  It would give me a dedicated writing desk.  I can’t explain how important that would actually be for me.  Right now, i have my iPad i am trying to write on, and while i like it, I would really like being able to have a full size keyboard attached to it to actually write on.  My ideal setup would be the iPad attached to a monitor and a full sized bluetooth keyboard.  Then i could have a normal screen and keyboard, but easily take my writing anywhere I want with me.  At that point, I would likely use my desktop for very little.

That plan is a bit off in the future though because it will cost a bit more than I have right now.  I just restocked the clothes i needed, so I will proly have to wait until July to get the writing desk and adapters/keyboard that i need. Until that point though i can either write on the iPad like I am right now, or i can just use my desktop.  Either way,  I am excited to be writing more and challenging my mind more.

I have some more that I would like to write about, but I really don’t want to spend a long time doing it, so I think i am just going to end it here.  Next time I will talk about some of the changes happening at work.  While these changes won’t change my engagement much at work, i think they are going to help put me in a better spot to get promoted.  Right now, getting promoted is the only thing really keeping my slightly interested in my job.

Tuesday
Mar132018

Claimed success from the jaws of failure! 

Last night was not a good night at work. I was really off and just couldn’t focus on anything.  I screwed up a couple of pretty noticeable things and maybe overstepped some bounds as well.  I just wasn’t feeling it and made stupid mistakes.  I’m not sure why it went so badly, but it just seemed like everything that could go wrong did.  Needless to say, I was not happy about it at all.

Today at home didn’t start out any better.  I work up way later than I wanted to and then didn’t roll out of bed until even later.  I was feeling pretty down about myself and my motivation as a whole, because it just felt like I was going to have another wasted day.  I think it was going to be a wasted day too.  Then I decided that I didn’t want that and decided to make myself a list of things to do and then only do those things.

I made a list of 14 things that I had to get done today.  From meal prep, to shower, to laundry and cleaning.  The list was pretty intense and not something that I think is sustainable on a daily basis type of thing.  I worked really hard for 8ish hours and I feel pretty drained.  I got everything on the list done though and not just kind of done, I did a really good job on all the things, at least I think it was a job well done.

Some of the biggest things I got done that I am happy about is that I did some quality of life improvement things.  I rearranged my bedside table and moved my phone charger from there to Jess’ dresser.  So now I can still hear it if I need to, but I won’t be able to just roll over and play on it instead of getting out of bed.  Also, now I only have a front lighted Kindle sitting on there that I can play with.  This means that I don’t need to worry about blue light nearly as much anymore.  It was something I kept telling myself to do, but never did.

Another quality of life improvement I made was clearing off part of my desk so that I can actually use it to write on now.  Previously I had everything pretty spread out so that I couldn’t get any physical writing done on the desk.  While I won’t do very much of that, it’s nice to have a spot for my daily planner that I want to start using.  Also, it puts a few things in better focus, so I see them more consistently.  I also got chargers setup for all my stuff, so that I don’t have an excuse to charge things by my bed.  Everything is focused on trying to make sure specific areas are doing specific things.

The rest of the stuff isn’t as interesting to talk about but were things that needed to get done.  The house is cleaner now then when jess left, so I think that is a huge win.  I also will have lunches for the next few days, which is good, because I work a pretty decent amount over the next few days. I made pork for these lunches instead of chicken.  We will see how good pork is about warming up in the microwave or not.  I also didn’t pack candy, but raisins.  So really working hard to make sure I eat better and do better.

Tomorrow I want to start a morning routine, but I am not really sure if I am going to get that accomplished.  It’s a lot later than I want it to be and if I want to get everything done before work, I would have to wake up at like 5:30.  I’m just not sure that’s really feasible at this point.  6 hours of sleep isn’t exactly bad, but I would prefer more if I can get it.  The benefits from my routine though might away the lack of sleep.  I’m going to think about it and then see what I feel like.  I still have a few things to do to wrap up before I go to sleep anyway.

All right, I think that’s going to be all for now.  I’m glad that I could turn the day around from what was going to be another fail into something meaningful.  Maybe this is a bit of a turning point, or maybe it’s just another false start.  Time will tell, but at least I am giving myself a fighting chance.

Sunday
Mar112018

Back to a bit more normal post...

I find myself alone for this weekend, so what do I decide to do with my time?  Video games, lots and lots of video games.  In the past 36 hours, I think I have played no less than 25 hours of video games.  I was up until 8am this morning playing actually.  I know it’s not the best thing for me to be doing with my time, but I just needed it.  As one could easily tell, my mind was just not in a good place lately.  So even though I should have been using this time to get ahead and set myself into a good pattern… I’ve done exactly the opposite.

I hadn’t played the Switch in like 2 months, so it’s nice that I finally picked it up again.  I’m playing through Mario Odyssey right now.  I think I have put about 10 hours into the game.  Having not played one since Super Mario Bros. I have been moderately surprised at the learning curve.  It’s not impossible by any means, but I def. expected to just be able to pick it up and beat it no problem.  Truth is, I have struggled at some points though.  Keep working through it though.

I’m annoyed that I keep not getting hours at work and must pick up shifts and make the schedule work for me.  I know they want me around but getting 20 hours a week just isn’t proving that to me really.  I’ve been lucky and have been able to pick up shifts to get up to 36 hours this coming week and then 27 next week with likely more added on if I can find some good candidates for the stupid 4 hour shifts on that Friday and Saturday.

Even if I wasn’t going to be a team lead, I could still take on about 30 hours a week for the rest of the year nd be fine on my loan forgiveness.  Fact is, I just have gotten so few hours the beginning of the year it’s put me way ahead on total hours for the year.  I would like to get as close to 30 hours as I can get over the next couple of money until I start actually being a team lead.  I think the experience of working is good, but also the money is pretty nice.  I have a few things I would really like to spend my money on.

Top of my list is paying of f the rest of my credit card debt.  I’ve been spending a bit to much lately so I have been making strides, but much smaller ones than I had hoped.  I think having it done by end of May is still completely reasonable though.  When I look at the Vegas trip setting me back a bit, it’s a trade-off I will gladly accept though. Once I get that paid off there are two things that I am considering getting and both are pretty high value things.  I just have to decide which is going to prove more worth it long term.  How good I am at completing my goals over the next couple of months will likely go a long way in determining what I get.

I feel like I should write more.  This hasn’t been a very personal blog, and that’s quite the change from how things had been the last few, but I just feel like this is good enough for now.  Maybe I will write more in a few days.  We will see.

Thursday
Mar082018

You guys deserve a song after that long post...

Wednesday
Mar072018

Well that got a lot longer than I thought....

As I predicted I was able to fix all the issues with the loan forgiveness from a simple phone call.  I was happy that I was able to do it so easily of course, but glad they didn’t fight me on it.  I guess that when you send them things via email you are not always going to be guaranteed to get something back. I think they could do a lot to improve the communication between their side and my side.  I don’t really know though, everything worked out, so I don’t really care too much overall.

My mother is coming down this weekend it turns out.  She is sick, some kind of flu thing.  That really sucks, because it’s prolly going to be May or so before we get a chance to meet up again.  I wish that I got my schedule more in advance so that I could plan things a little better and maybe find a time to have her done here or take the train myself up to Burlington.  It’s just hard to plan anything when the earliest you know your schedule is like 14 days in advance and that is only half the weekend you actually know your schedule.  Just not the easiest thing to plan around.

It also kind fo sucks, because I wanted something to take my mind off of things.  I’m really not doing too much better the last few days and while I have done some positive things from a perspective of being productive, I will say that overall it’s still been a pretty big fail.  I just can’t motivate myself to do things.  I know that some of it is coming from the stress of married life, being very bored at work and just overall being an adult.  However, many people have it much worse an I feel like I am failing pretty hard.

I’m frustrated with myself because I know that I don’t express happiness like I should.  There is two major problems I have and I don’t know how to break either of them.  One, I don’t have that high level of happiness like some people do.  Two, I always want to keep getting better, doing something different, getting better.  No matter what I always ant to keep moving forward, which is good, except when you can’t stop and enjoy things for what they are.  The enjoying things for what they are has been happening less and less lately too.

The first thing that bothers me is that I seem to have this inner voice that tells me to always watch how much I am enjoying something.  Of course, it also tells me to check my sadness/anger at situations.  So sometimes I think that maybe I should be happier when I do something, but then I feel guilty or feel like I am doing things wrong, because I am enjoying it too much.  It’s causing more and more problems as it keeps going on.  I try to turn it off, or try to tell it not to be so annoying.  I find myself falling into the trap again though, because it’s so much easier to just be more even keel and go with it.  It’s so much easier to just keep everything on the middle road.

I’m not sure what I am scared will happen if I give more into my emotions, but at this point I am not even sure I can give in more even if I wanted to.  I have for so long just taken the path of least resistance and dealt with being so in the middle for so long that turning that part of my mind off seems nearly impossible. I am not even sure what the first step would be to really changing how I am.  That being said, I think that the first step might actually be something to do with the second thing.

It is of course very natural to want to keep getting better and not settling into a state of laziness.  It’s normal to want to keep achieving at a high level, but what is not natural is not being able to enjoy what is going on around you.  What is not normal is not being able to take a step back and appreciate what you have going on with you right now.   This, of course, isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate what I have, but I don’t take the happiness from it that I should.  I more… appreciate the bad hints that I don’t have.  I appreciate the lack of bad situations more than I appreciate the fact a good situation is there.

Living in the moment is not something that I am good at doing and this extends to thinking that I am always behind and then it snowballs really hard.  Should I be doing more to improve my life? 100% of course, but I also need to not get frustrated with myself when I am not able to adhere to things all the time.  I need a middle ground that allows me to think that I am doing a good job and accomplishing things while not getting too down on myself for feeling good.  There has been one time in my life that I have achieved this.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to replicate that scenario.

I have tried only have a few things I try to do well and that has failed.  I have tired having long checklists of things to do, and that has failed.  I have tried having no goals and just going for it.  That’s failed.  I’ve tried have short and long term goals and that has failed.  I think one common detonator in all these failings, besides myself, is that I can’t live in the moment enough and appreciate what I have done.  I always see everything that I have failed at instead of saying “great job getting 75% of the things you wanted to do this week done.”  Instead I focus on how if I was better I could get 100% and not getting 100% is just further proof of my failings.

This is a fundamentally broken part of my personality.  I should not be like this and I am not even sure how I got here.  I know that I worked hard to not be as angry, but I didn’t think that it would completely neuter my ability to have emotions. Overdoing things is something that I am very good at doing.  Writing consistently?  Nope, I will write 14k words one day and none for a week.  Playing video games?  Nope, I will play 10 hours one day and then not pick it up for two eels.  Working?  Nope, I want to work 15 hours in a day and then have 3 days off.  I don’t know how to do things in just a little bit.  It’s kind of funny, because I have an issue of going the middle road too much with my emotions, but I actually have the opposite problem when it comes to my actions.  I wonder if other people are like that?

So what is a good solution?

I’m not even sure.  It’s easy to say that I just need to start living in the moment more.  It’s simple to just say that I need to enjoy things in life when they are happening.  It’s not that easy though, because it’s trying to break habits from like 10 years.  Also, it’s not like that is some magic pill to make things better.  With the happiness I could have from something also come anger, sadness, jealousy and other emotions that are hard to control.  You don’t good without bad.  Learning how to juggle everything isn’t a simple task, no only for yourself, but everyone around you.

I don’t like having written most of this.  I’m not even sure I want to actually post any of this.  I may decide not to.  I think that it would be good for me to though.  It is depressing though, because I feel like I am ruining things around my by not being expressive enough.  I feel like no one around me really understands when I am happy or not.  I want to be more light hearted, but I just have this thing inside of me that stops it. 

The other night at work, a lot of people were standing up at the front talking.  It was beyond dead at work.  There really wasn’t very much to do.  I tried standing up there and talking, but I just couldn’t do it.  I had to go find work to do.  I couldn’t just let myself not do anything.  I know that the normal thing would be for me to just be like everyone else, but I just couldn’t.  I did find work to do.  It was 100% not needed for me to be doing it, but I did it anyway.  I knew when I walked away that it was the abnormal thing to o, but I just had to do it.

I think that is what is really frustrating.  When I can see the situations at the time they are happening and still can’t fix them.  When my mind know 100% what it is doing and yet, I can’t convince myself to just be like a normal person and have fun or slack off for a bit.  It’s not like I am trying to impress anyone, because the LOD that night already likes me and thinks that I do a great job.  It’s not like the workers I work with care ow hard I try for the most part.  As long as I am not creating a lot more work for them, then they don’t care either.  All that being said, I found stuff to do.

Man, this is a lot longer than I was thinking it was going to be.  I guess I am just going to leave it here and see what I feel like doing with it.  It’s the most real blog I have written in a long time.  I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

As I predicted I was able to fix all the issues with the loan forgiveness from a simple phone call.  I was happy that I was able to do it so easily of course, but glad they didn’t fight me on it.  I guess that when you send them things via email you are not always going to be guaranteed to get something back. I think they could do a lot to improve the communication between their side and my side.  I don’t really know though, everything worked out, so I don’t really care too much overall.

My mother is coming down this weekend it turns out.  She is sick, some kind of flu thing.  That really sucks, because it’s prolly going to be May or so before we get a chance to meet up again.  I wish that I got my schedule more in advance so that I could plan things a little better and maybe find a time to have her done here or take the train myself up to Burlington.  It’s just hard to plan anything when the earliest you know your schedule is like 14 days in advance and that is only half the weekend you actually know your schedule.  Just not the easiest thing to plan around.

It also kind fo sucks, because I wanted something to take my mind off of things.  I’m really not doing too much better the last few days and while I have done some positive things from a perspective of being productive, I will say that overall it’s still been a pretty big fail.  I just can’t motivate myself to do things.  I know that some of it is coming from the stress of married life, being very bored at work and just overall being an adult.  However, many people have it much worse an I feel like I am failing pretty hard.

I’m frustrated with myself because I know that I don’t express happiness like I should.  There is two major problems I have and I don’t know how to break either of them.  One, I don’t have that high level of happiness like some people do.  Two, I always want to keep getting better, doing something different, getting better.  No matter what I always ant to keep moving forward, which is good, except when you can’t stop and enjoy things for what they are.  The enjoying things for what they are has been happening less and less lately too.

The first thing that bothers me is that I seem to have this inner voice that tells me to always watch how much I am enjoying something.  Of course, it also tells me to check my sadness/anger at situations.  So sometimes I think that maybe I should be happier when I do something, but then I feel guilty or feel like I am doing things wrong, because I am enjoying it too much.  It’s causing more and more problems as it keeps going on.  I try to turn it off, or try to tell it not to be so annoying.  I find myself falling into the trap again though, because it’s so much easier to just be more even keel and go with it.  It’s so much easier to just keep everything on the middle road.

I’m not sure what I am scared will happen if I give more into my emotions, but at this point I am not even sure I can give in more even if I wanted to.  I have for so long just taken the path of least resistance and dealt with being so in the middle for so long that turning that part of my mind off seems nearly impossible. I am not even sure what the first step would be to really changing how I am.  That being said, I think that the first step might actually be something to do with the second thing.

It is of course very natural to want to keep getting better and not settling into a state of laziness.  It’s normal to want to keep achieving at a high level, but what is not natural is not being able to enjoy what is going on around you.  What is not normal is not being able to take a step back and appreciate what you have going on with you right now.   This, of course, isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate what I have, but I don’t take the happiness from it that I should.  I more… appreciate the bad hints that I don’t have.  I appreciate the lack of bad situations more than I appreciate the fact a good situation is there.

Living in the moment is not something that I am good at doing and this extends to thinking that I am always behind and then it snowballs really hard.  Should I be doing more to improve my life? 100% of course, but I also need to not get frustrated with myself when I am not able to adhere to things all the time.  I need a middle ground that allows me to think that I am doing a good job and accomplishing things while not getting too down on myself for feeling good.  There has been one time in my life that I have achieved this.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to replicate that scenario.

I have tried only have a few things I try to do well and that has failed.  I have tired having long checklists of things to do, and that has failed.  I have tried having no goals and just going for it.  That’s failed.  I’ve tried have short and long term goals and that has failed.  I think one common detonator in all these failings, besides myself, is that I can’t live in the moment enough and appreciate what I have done.  I always see everything that I have failed at instead of saying “great job getting 75% of the things you wanted to do this week done.”  Instead I focus on how if I was better I could get 100% and not getting 100% is just further proof of my failings.

This is a fundamentally broken part of my personality.  I should not be like this and I am not even sure how I got here.  I know that I worked hard to not be as angry, but I didn’t think that it would completely neuter my ability to have emotions. Overdoing things is something that I am very good at doing.  Writing consistently?  Nope, I will write 14k words one day and none for a week.  Playing video games?  Nope, I will play 10 hours one day and then not pick it up for two eels.  Working?  Nope, I want to work 15 hours in a day and then have 3 days off.  I don’t know how to do things in just a little bit.  It’s kind of funny, because I have an issue of going the middle road too much with my emotions, but I actually have the opposite problem when it comes to my actions.  I wonder if other people are like that?

So what is a good solution?

I’m not even sure.  It’s easy to say that I just need to start living in the moment more.  It’s simple to just say that I need to enjoy things in life when they are happening.  It’s not that easy though, because it’s trying to break habits from like 10 years.  Also, it’s not like that is some magic pill to make things better.  With the happiness I could have from something also come anger, sadness, jealousy and other emotions that are hard to control.  You don’t good without bad.  Learning how to juggle everything isn’t a simple task, no only for yourself, but everyone around you.

I don’t like having written most of this.  I’m not even sure I want to actually post any of this.  I may decide not to.  I think that it would be good for me to though.  It is depressing though, because I feel like I am ruining things around my by not being expressive enough.  I feel like no one around me really understands when I am happy or not.  I want to be more light hearted, but I just have this thing inside of me that stops it. 

The other night at work, a lot of people were standing up at the front talking.  It was beyond dead at work.  There really wasn’t very much to do.  I tried standing up there and talking, but I just couldn’t do it.  I had to go find work to do.  I couldn’t just let myself not do anything.  I know that the normal thing would be for me to just be like everyone else, but I just couldn’t.  I did find work to do.  It was 100% not needed for me to be doing it, but I did it anyway.  I knew when I walked away that it was the abnormal thing to o, but I just had to do it.

I think that is what is really frustrating.  When I can see the situations at the time they are happening and still can’t fix them.  When my mind know 100% what it is doing and yet, I can’t convince myself to just be like a normal person and have fun or slack off for a bit.  It’s not like I am trying to impress anyone, because the LOD that night already likes me and thinks that I do a great job.  It’s not like the workers I work with care ow hard I try for the most part.  As long as I am not creating a lot more work for them, then they don’t care either.  All that being said, I found stuff to do.

Man, this is a lot longer than I was thinking it was going to be.  I guess I am just going to leave it here and see what I feel like doing with it.  It’s the most real blog I have written in a long time.  I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

Wednesday
Mar072018

As I predicted I was able to fix all the issues with the loan forgiveness from a simple phone call.  I was happy that I was able to do it so easily of course, but glad they didn’t fight me on it.  I guess that when you send them things via email you are not always going to be guaranteed to get something back. I think they could do a lot to improve the communication between their side and my side.  I don’t really know though, everything worked out, so I don’t really care too much overall.
My mother is coming down this weekend it turns out.  She is sick, some kind of flu thing.  That really sucks, because it’s prolly going to be May or so before we get a chance to meet up again.  I wish that I got my schedule more in advance so that I could plan things a little better and maybe find a time to have her done here or take the train myself up to Burlington.  It’s just hard to plan anything when the earliest you know your schedule is like 14 days in advance and that is only half the weekend you actually know your schedule.  Just not the easiest thing to plan around.
It also kind fo sucks, because I wanted something to take my mind off of things.  I’m really not doing too much better the last few days and while I have done some positive things from a perspective of being productive, I will say that overall it’s still been a pretty big fail.  I just can’t motivate myself to do things.  I know that some of it is coming from the stress of married life, being very bored at work and just overall being an adult.  However, many people have it much worse an I feel like I am failing pretty hard.
I’m frustrated with myself because I know that I don’t express happiness like I should.  There is two major problems I have and I don’t know how to break either of them.  One, I don’t have that high level of happiness like some people do.  Two, I always want to keep getting better, doing something different, getting better.  No matter what I always ant to keep moving forward, which is good, except when you can’t stop and enjoy things for what they are.  The enjoying things for what they are has been happening less and less lately too.
The first thing that bothers me is that I seem to have this inner voice that tells me to always watch how much I am enjoying something.  Of course, it also tells me to check my sadness/anger at situations.  So sometimes I think that maybe I should be happier when I do something, but then I feel guilty or feel like I am doing things wrong, because I am enjoying it too much.  It’s causing more and more problems as it keeps going on.  I try to turn it off, or try to tell it not to be so annoying.  I find myself falling into the trap again though, because it’s so much easier to just be more even keel and go with it.  It’s so much easier to just keep everything on the middle road.
I’m not sure what I am scared will happen if I give more into my emotions, but at this point I am not even sure I can give in more even if I wanted to.  I have for so long just taken the path of least resistance and dealt with being so in the middle for so long that turning that part of my mind off seems nearly impossible. I am not even sure what the first step would be to really changing how I am.  That being said, I think that the first step might actually be something to do with the second thing.
It is of course very natural to want to keep getting better and not settling into a state of laziness.  It’s normal to want to keep achieving at a high level, but what is not natural is not being able to enjoy what is going on around you.  What is not normal is not being able to take a step back and appreciate what you have going on with you right now.   This, of course, isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate what I have, but I don’t take the happiness from it that I should.  I more… appreciate the bad hints that I don’t have.  I appreciate the lack of bad situations more than I appreciate the fact a good situation is there.
Living in the moment is not something that I am good at doing and this extends to thinking that I am always behind and then it snowballs really hard.  Should I be doing more to improve my life? 100% of course, but I also need to not get frustrated with myself when I am not able to adhere to things all the time.  I need a middle ground that allows me to think that I am doing a good job and accomplishing things while not getting too down on myself for feeling good.  There has been one time in my life that I have achieved this.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to replicate that scenario.
I have tried only have a few things I try to do well and that has failed.  I have tired having long checklists of things to do, and that has failed.  I have tried having no goals and just going for it.  That’s failed.  I’ve tried have short and long term goals and that has failed.  I think one common detonator in all these failings, besides myself, is that I can’t live in the moment enough and appreciate what I have done.  I always see everything that I have failed at instead of saying “great job getting 75% of the things you wanted to do this week done.”  Instead I focus on how if I was better I could get 100% and not getting 100% is just further proof of my failings. 
This is a fundamentally broken part of my personality.  I should not be like this and I am not even sure how I got here.  I know that I worked hard to not be as angry, but I didn’t think that it would completely neuter my ability to have emotions. Overdoing things is something that I am very good at doing.  Writing consistently?  Nope, I will write 14k words one day and none for a week.  Playing video games?  Nope, I will play 10 hours one day and then not pick it up for two eels.  Working?  Nope, I want to work 15 hours in a day and then have 3 days off.  I don’t know how to do things in just a little bit.  It’s kind of funny, because I have an issue of going the middle road too much with my emotions, but I actually have the opposite problem when it comes to my actions.  I wonder if other people are like that?
So what is a good solution?
I’m not even sure.  It’s easy to say that I just need to start living in the moment more.  It’s simple to just say that I need to enjoy things in life when they are happening.  It’s not that easy though, because it’s trying to break habits from like 10 years.  Also, it’s not like that is some magic pill to make things better.  With the happiness I could have from something also come anger, sadness, jealousy and other emotions that are hard to control.  You don’t good without bad.  Learning how to juggle everything isn’t a simple task, no only for yourself, but everyone around you.
I don’t like having written most of this.  I’m not even sure I want to actually post any of this.  I may decide not to.  I think that it would be good for me to though.  It is depressing though, because I feel like I am ruining things around my by not being expressive enough.  I feel like no one around me really understands when I am happy or not.  I want to be more light hearted, but I just have this thing inside of me that stops it.  
The other night at work, a lot of people were standing up at the front talking.  It was beyond dead at work.  There really wasn’t very much to do.  I tried standing up there and talking, but I just couldn’t do it.  I had to go find work to do.  I couldn’t just let myself not do anything.  I know that the normal thing would be for me to just be like everyone else, but I just couldn’t.  I did find work to do.  It was 100% not needed for me to be doing it, but I did it anyway.  I knew when I walked away that it was the abnormal thing to o, but I just had to do it.
I think that is what is really frustrating.  When I can see the situations at the time they are happening and still can’t fix them.  When my mind know 100% what it is doing and yet, I can’t convince myself to just be like a normal person and have fun or slack off for a bit.  It’s not like I am trying to impress anyone, because the LOD that night already likes me and thinks that I do a great job.  It’s not like the workers I work with care ow hard I try for the most part.  As long as I am not creating a lot more work for them, then they don’t care either.  All that being said, I found stuff to do.
Man, this is a lot longer than I was thinking it was going to be.  I guess I am just going to leave it here and see what I feel like doing with it.  It’s the most real blog I have written in a long time.  I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

As I predicted I was able to fix all the issues with the loan forgiveness from a simple phone call.  I was happy that I was able to do it so easily of course, but glad they didn’t fight me on it.  I guess that when you send them things via email you are not always going to be guaranteed to get something back. I think they could do a lot to improve the communication between their side and my side.  I don’t really know though, everything worked out, so I don’t really care too much overall.
My mother is coming down this weekend it turns out.  She is sick, some kind of flu thing.  That really sucks, because it’s prolly going to be May or so before we get a chance to meet up again.  I wish that I got my schedule more in advance so that I could plan things a little better and maybe find a time to have her done here or take the train myself up to Burlington.  It’s just hard to plan anything when the earliest you know your schedule is like 14 days in advance and that is only half the weekend you actually know your schedule.  Just not the easiest thing to plan around.
It also kind fo sucks, because I wanted something to take my mind off of things.  I’m really not doing too much better the last few days and while I have done some positive things from a perspective of being productive, I will say that overall it’s still been a pretty big fail.  I just can’t motivate myself to do things.  I know that some of it is coming from the stress of married life, being very bored at work and just overall being an adult.  However, many people have it much worse an I feel like I am failing pretty hard.
I’m frustrated with myself because I know that I don’t express happiness like I should.  There is two major problems I have and I don’t know how to break either of them.  One, I don’t have that high level of happiness like some people do.  Two, I always want to keep getting better, doing something different, getting better.  No matter what I always ant to keep moving forward, which is good, except when you can’t stop and enjoy things for what they are.  The enjoying things for what they are has been happening less and less lately too.
The first thing that bothers me is that I seem to have this inner voice that tells me to always watch how much I am enjoying something.  Of course, it also tells me to check my sadness/anger at situations.  So sometimes I think that maybe I should be happier when I do something, but then I feel guilty or feel like I am doing things wrong, because I am enjoying it too much.  It’s causing more and more problems as it keeps going on.  I try to turn it off, or try to tell it not to be so annoying.  I find myself falling into the trap again though, because it’s so much easier to just be more even keel and go with it.  It’s so much easier to just keep everything on the middle road.
I’m not sure what I am scared will happen if I give more into my emotions, but at this point I am not even sure I can give in more even if I wanted to.  I have for so long just taken the path of least resistance and dealt with being so in the middle for so long that turning that part of my mind off seems nearly impossible. I am not even sure what the first step would be to really changing how I am.  That being said, I think that the first step might actually be something to do with the second thing.
It is of course very natural to want to keep getting better and not settling into a state of laziness.  It’s normal to want to keep achieving at a high level, but what is not natural is not being able to enjoy what is going on around you.  What is not normal is not being able to take a step back and appreciate what you have going on with you right now.   This, of course, isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate what I have, but I don’t take the happiness from it that I should.  I more… appreciate the bad hints that I don’t have.  I appreciate the lack of bad situations more than I appreciate the fact a good situation is there.
Living in the moment is not something that I am good at doing and this extends to thinking that I am always behind and then it snowballs really hard.  Should I be doing more to improve my life? 100% of course, but I also need to not get frustrated with myself when I am not able to adhere to things all the time.  I need a middle ground that allows me to think that I am doing a good job and accomplishing things while not getting too down on myself for feeling good.  There has been one time in my life that I have achieved this.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to replicate that scenario.
I have tried only have a few things I try to do well and that has failed.  I have tired having long checklists of things to do, and that has failed.  I have tried having no goals and just going for it.  That’s failed.  I’ve tried have short and long term goals and that has failed.  I think one common detonator in all these failings, besides myself, is that I can’t live in the moment enough and appreciate what I have done.  I always see everything that I have failed at instead of saying “great job getting 75% of the things you wanted to do this week done.”  Instead I focus on how if I was better I could get 100% and not getting 100% is just further proof of my failings. 
This is a fundamentally broken part of my personality.  I should not be like this and I am not even sure how I got here.  I know that I worked hard to not be as angry, but I didn’t think that it would completely neuter my ability to have emotions. Overdoing things is something that I am very good at doing.  Writing consistently?  Nope, I will write 14k words one day and none for a week.  Playing video games?  Nope, I will play 10 hours one day and then not pick it up for two eels.  Working?  Nope, I want to work 15 hours in a day and then have 3 days off.  I don’t know how to do things in just a little bit.  It’s kind of funny, because I have an issue of going the middle road too much with my emotions, but I actually have the opposite problem when it comes to my actions.  I wonder if other people are like that?
So what is a good solution?
I’m not even sure.  It’s easy to say that I just need to start living in the moment more.  It’s simple to just say that I need to enjoy things in life when they are happening.  It’s not that easy though, because it’s trying to break habits from like 10 years.  Also, it’s not like that is some magic pill to make things better.  With the happiness I could have from something also come anger, sadness, jealousy and other emotions that are hard to control.  You don’t good without bad.  Learning how to juggle everything isn’t a simple task, no only for yourself, but everyone around you.
I don’t like having written most of this.  I’m not even sure I want to actually post any of this.  I may decide not to.  I think that it would be good for me to though.  It is depressing though, because I feel like I am ruining things around my by not being expressive enough.  I feel like no one around me really understands when I am happy or not.  I want to be more light hearted, but I just have this thing inside of me that stops it.  
The other night at work, a lot of people were standing up at the front talking.  It was beyond dead at work.  There really wasn’t very much to do.  I tried standing up there and talking, but I just couldn’t do it.  I had to go find work to do.  I couldn’t just let myself not do anything.  I know that the normal thing would be for me to just be like everyone else, but I just couldn’t.  I did find work to do.  It was 100% not needed for me to be doing it, but I did it anyway.  I knew when I walked away that it was the abnormal thing to o, but I just had to do it.
I think that is what is really frustrating.  When I can see the situations at the time they are happening and still can’t fix them.  When my mind know 100% what it is doing and yet, I can’t convince myself to just be like a normal person and have fun or slack off for a bit.  It’s not like I am trying to impress anyone, because the LOD that night already likes me and thinks that I do a great job.  It’s not like the workers I work with care ow hard I try for the most part.  As long as I am not creating a lot more work for them, then they don’t care either.  All that being said, I found stuff to do.
Man, this is a lot longer than I was thinking it was going to be.  I guess I am just going to leave it here and see what I feel like doing with it.  It’s the most real blog I have written in a long time.  I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

Tuesday
Mar062018

Just can't take control....

So i guess the discharge people didn’t get my letter with my income verification.  I think things are going to be fine, but I have to call them tomorrow and talk to them.  They are threatening to reinstate my loans now. I would prefer that didn’t happen, because even if that does end up being the end result for things, i want to do it at my own speed and not the speed they tell me to do it.  Considering i sent them a few emails over the past few days with the letter each time, i think it should be pretty clear i made the effort after they didn’t get the snail mail version of things.

I really hate the postal system, because there is no good way to make sure what you sent actually got where it was supposed to.  I mailed something, but until just now i had no idea that it didn’t make it to the place it was supposed to. Of course, had they said i could just do everything online in the first place i could have had confirmation they got what I was trying to send to them.  Instead I was assuming that things were good when they clearly were not. It’s aggravating. It’s also aggravating that they are not open 24 hours a day, but in reality, i shouldn’t expect them to be. That would be a bit crazy.

I will call tomorrow though and get it all sorted.  They were pretty nice last time i talked to them. SO I am hoping that i get someone as nice this time and things are rectified as quickly as possible.  I think when I moved, it threw things off a little bit and i didn’t get things when I was supposed to. That’s also on me though for not telling them sooner that I moved.  I guess there is never a dull moment with stuff with me. If it’s not one thing, then it’s another. The good thing is that if they do get reinstated, my income is so freaking low that i will not have very high payments.  So that’s good, or something?

Work is going fine i guess.  I have been going and doing what I am supposed to.  We are supposed to get a raise sometime soon. I am not sure when, but i know we are going to have our yearly reviews in the next week or so.  While i haven’t worked there for a year, i guess it’s just easier for them to do it all at one time. I’m also supposed to hear about when i start learning team lead stuff this week.  I’m going to be pressing on that stuff pretty hard. I really want to make sure that there is no foot dragging on that.

I decided to delete League of Legends last night.  I’m not in a great place mentally right now and was just trying to think of things that make me unhappy.  Feeling like a piece of crap is at the top of that list, but it’s not something that I can fix right now. So when i start really looking at stuff that I can fix that are completely in my control, well, the frustration from a game was at the top of that list.  I had fun playing League, but i also felt like trash after playing it sometimes too. I just don’t think that i need to have that feeling in my life, to be honest. I can find other games to play that are fun, but don’t have that toxicity behind it.

Perhaps that makes me a weak person overall, because I just can’t ignore the chat and stuff.  I’m not going to pretend like i am not weak in that way. However, what’s the ue of playing a game or fun that you have to ignore parts of it?  I just don’t see the appeal of feeling like trash after playing something that was supposed to be fun. I get i wasn’t a great player, but i also wasn’t the worst player in the world either.  Maybe I will come back to it when i get in a better head space, but perhaps i will just decide to follow the pro games and leave it at that. I am for sure going to be watching the pro games though.

I want to spend more time writing and developing that side of myself.  I have an ipad pro, and writing on that is really nice. I would like to be able to utilize some of the really good applications built for writing on it and really put in the work to finish some short stories.  I will have a lot more time now that i won’t just be loading up random League games for no real reason. I found myself doing that just way too much. I would load up a game, not really wanting to play, but almost like an addiction of sorts.

My mother is coming down this weekend, and then I will have a few weeks until I am going to STL for the weekend to attend a wedding.  I would like to get into a good spot before i have to attend that wedding. I need to be working out more consistently, doing well at work, playing some video games, writing and just have a more rounded out life.  That’s not going super well right now, but I just need to do it.

I feel like things are just not going anywhere right now.  I will have a day that i make some big strides and really start to feel better about where i am and then it’s like 5 steps back the next week.  One good day doesn’t lead to another good day. One good day leads to 5 days of not doing well. I don’t know how to break the cycle, but i just keep seeing it happen again and again.  I guess i really don’t know. I think that’s long enough for now.